Once upon a memory ...

The Obama Speech...

2009-09-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

Some of you have read and/or commented on the post on my wall regarding the whole "would you allow your kids to listen to the President give a speech during the school day" thing.

My answer to this is no.

I find it appalling that I learned of the speech via the internet and have yet to hear from my sons school on whether it will or will not be shown. Please understand, I'm not against them listening to what other people have to say. I am against random people (yes, the President included) being allowed to address my children without my knowledge and/or consent.

I am all for my kids learning to make their own decisions. However. My kids are 3 and 5, I still control what they are allowed to watch on TV. Things like Spongebob Square Pants and Hannah Montana and Fairly Godparents are not allowed. We watch things like Word World, Auto B. Good, Pahapahooey Island, and Handy Manny. We do watch Dora and Diego but within reason and I censor those more often than most because they allow witches and spells and such to be in their programs.

I found an article, and I will include a link to it at the bottom of this, that details what people know will be said in the speech ... which is not much. All that has been said is that he will encourage them to continue their studies. That's sounds like a fantastic speech to hear. Until you realize that even the school superintendents were blindsided by this and they have no more an idea of what will be said than you or I do.

Not just that but the Obama Adniministration had originally included lesson plans to go along with the speech that suggested students write themselves letters saying how they can help the President. They later changed this to writing letters on how they can achieve their short and long-term educational goals. This was changed because it was "That was inartfully worded, and we corrected it," ... it wasn't reworded. It was totally changed. Those 2 phrases are completely different from each other.

One quote from the article says, "Arizona state schools superintendent Tom Horne, a Republican, said lesson plans for teachers created by Obama's Education Department "call for a worshipful rather than critical approach."" ... I have serious issues with someone trying to get my kids to worship something or someone other than God and God alone. A school superintendent can see that something that is a product of this supposed speech appears "worshipful". The Bible says to have NO OTHER GODS ... that means we don't worship anyone or anything besides God. This includes but is not limited to the President of the United States... no matter who holds that title that person is not God nor should he/she be treated as such.

That, and if it's such a big deal for the kids to listen to him why on Earth would the agenda be kept secret? That is, why has most everyone been blindsided by this? Why not let the parents in on it? Why not just say, "hey, I want to talk to your kids about this, this, and this"?

Another quote from the article says, ""Hearing the president speak is always a memorable moment," he said. But he also said he understood where the criticism was coming from. "Nobody seems to know what he's going to be talking about," Perry said. "Why didn't he spend more time talking to the local districts and superintendents, at least give them a heads-up about it?" ". Um, yeah. There are many, many issues there.

The schools are required to show lesson plans, have their calendars a year in advance most places, and to approve any outside speakers yet the President thinks he can railroad the rules and procedures because he's the President. I don't think so. If anything he should be held to a higher standard because of his role. He shouldn't be the exception. He should be an example and "follow the rules" as outlined BY THE GOVERNMENT HE LEADS....

And for the record, the Bush Administration did something similar in the early 90's and recieved tons of flack about it. We don't remember all the things that were said about it then because we were like 10 years old. Now that we are older and our own kids are being subjected to this we have opinions.

Here are some quotes from the article. The link will be at the bottom.

Districts in states including Texas, Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, Virginia, Wisconsin have decided not to show the speech to students. Others are still thinking it over or are letting parents have their kids opt out."

As far as I am concerned, this is not civics education — it gives the appearance of creating a cult of personality," said Oklahoma state Sen. Steve Russell. "This is something you'd expect to see in North Korea or in Saddam Hussein's Iraq."

Critics are particularly upset about lesson plans the administration created to accompany the speech. The lesson plans, available online, originally recommended having students "write letters to themselves about what they can do to help the president." The White House revised the plans Wednesday to say students could "write letters to themselves about how they can achieve their short-term and long-term education goals." "That was inartfully worded, and we corrected it," Higginbottom said.

PTA council president Cara Mendelsohn said Obama is "cutting out the parent" by speaking to kids during school hours. "Why can't a parent be watching this with their kid in the evening?" Mendelsohn said. "Because that's what makes a powerful statement, when a parent is sitting there saying, 'This is what I dream for you. This is what I want you to achieve.'"

"Hearing the president speak is always a memorable moment," he said. But he also said he understood where the criticism was coming from. "Nobody seems to know what he's going to be talking about," Perry said. "Why didn't he spend more time talking to the local districts and superintendents, at least give them a heads-up about it?"

Alright. Here's the link to the article I've been quoting. http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5ib8qja0qqnnbZFsHF7kP6GV9XVfQD9AG43GO0

Groundhog Day!

2009-02-02T07:32:00.001-08:00

Have you really ever paid attention to the groundhog adage? If he sees his shadow it's 6 more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow it's 6 weeks til spring. And 6 weeks from now is March 21 (give or take 2 days) which is the official 1st day of spring. If he doesn't see his shadow it's not like winter stops for 6 weeks and then 'boom' it's spring. :)

moods

2009-02-02T07:30:00.001-08:00

Melancholy. This is how I feel when I'm expecting something to happen and it doesn't. Could also be called disappointment but melancholy flows off the tongue better and has a more distinct meaning behind it. It is also part of my personality according to those personality tests. I'm melancholy and either phlegmatic or choleric. I can't remember. And now I'm either going to have to find the results of that test or take it again. Either way, I know that if I have my hopes up even the slightest bit for something and it doesn't happen I get really low really fast. I try not to show it and do a good job of hiding that unless it's face to face then I suck at hiding it. But I'll still tell you nothing is wrong and that I'm okay. Really I'm not. I usually cry myself to sleep.

Biology!

2009-02-02T07:28:00.001-08:00

When you hear the word biology what do you think of? I think of life. Animals. Genetics. Things like that. I do not think about cells and atoms and molecules or the periodic table. Which is apparently what my Biology instructor thinks we should be learning. I am so lost in that class. Lab helps but it's a different instructor than I have for lecture and there are students with several different lecture instructors. So we are doing things that correspond to things we learned a week prior. So, the things I'm getting and understanding are things he taught the previous week which still makes me a week behind. Oy. This really frustrates me because next to English science was my strong subject. But, that was high school and that was 10 years ago. It doesn't help that he starts every lecture with 'you probably touched on this in high school chemistry'. I didn't take chemistry in high school and even if I had that was TEN years ago.

An Influential Person

2009-02-01T09:31:00.000-08:00

Despite the winter weather that recently closed schools for several days, my English instructor managed to send homework assignments via email with the adage that life keeps going and so does college. One of the assignments is to write an essay about an influential person in my life. Good influence or bad. The person has to have been alive in the last 25 years and cannot be a religious figure. I have to tell how this person has helped me learn not only who i am but what i want. That being said, there are obvious choices in relatives. Parents. Grandparents. I even considered redoing a piece I wrote on one of my aunts a few years ago but I have no idea where that one is now. So, I started writing about a very good friend of mine. I got at least halfway through it after just 30 minutes ... once I figured out who to write about.

As I'm writing this though, it occurs to me to write about someone else. Someone whose path crossed mine for only a blip in time but left an everlasting mark on my life. I can't tell you his name, or his wife's, because I don't remember them. I can't even tell you if either of them are still alive today. They were fairly elderly when I met them over 10 years ago.

The very first job I ever held started in March of 1998 and was as a pharmacy associate at Drug Warehouse in Broken Arrow. It started as a May's Drug and was transformed over the almost 2 years I was employed there. We had a customer who came in on a fairly regular basis for his wife. Sometimes she was with him but most often not. They were older, 60's or 70's, and had spent their lives together starting about age 17. Normally the pharmacy is one of the busiest departments of any store, especially a drug store, but one day he came in when I had absolutely nothing else to do. I went out and sat beside him on the bench and will never regret that decision. I learned more about life in the 10 minutes I spent talking with him than I've learned before or since.

I asked him how he met his wife. I will never forget the story I heard that day. It was the middle of the 1940's. They were both at a Fourth of July party with hot dogs, and cotton candy, and other vendors swarmed with multitudes of people. He was with a couple of his friends just talking and hanging out when all of a sudden she was in his arms. Her friends had lit fireworks under her chair and she jumped, straight into his arms. His words that day as he told his story with a smile on his face and tears in his eyes are words I will always remember. He said, 'I held on to her and never let go'. Those words, the wistfulness of his voice, and the faraway look in his eyes as he told his story encompass the definition of what I believe life is all about. It's holding on and never letting go of what you believe in, of your dreams.

There are things in life that are concrete, responsibilities we gain as we grow up and go to college, get married, have a career or kids or any combination of these things and more. The one thing I walked away with that day was not to just hold on to every moment given to you but to reach out and grasp those things that might otherwise hurtle past.

Life ... sometimes that's just the way it is!

2009-01-30T07:52:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I really hate situations. I will forever be in debt to my parents for allowing the boys and me to stay with them for so long. Truthfully, it's for the boys and I'm allowed because who else would take care of them. Except apparently I'm not doing a very good job. I'm constantly told how to discipline them or how to play with them or what i should do or rather stop doing. It's frustrating. I'm almost 30 and am being treated like I'm 10 at times. Take this week for instance. Monday when the ice first started coming down she called and told me to get the car seats ready so she could pick up the boys which normally isn't a huge deal but she they in the whole 'I don't want you driving on these roads it's not safe'. That's fine. You're probably thinking I'm crazy for letting that irritate me but you didn't hear the voice inflection used. It was an 'I don't think you can handle driving in this' tone of voice. Nevermind the fact that I've been driving my truck for over 11 years and have a fairly good idea of how it handles on just about any surface. Another thing that's a bit frustrating is a seeming lack of privacy, though I will admit that is getting better. She used to just barge in my room, without knocking, just to talk or ask a question. Something non-emergent. There was even one day where I was getting ready to take a shower, had already stripped, and was using the bathroom when she just walks in and starts putting hair color on my hair. Not kidding. I have an ash blonde streak now that will have to wait til spring break to be fixed but fortunately it's not overly obvious. Then there's the whole 'you're not going to lose any weight if you eat that' or 'we need to get you in shape so you can get a guy and we can get you married off' or 'you're on a diet' when I've never said that I was dieting. Argh. So. I really didn't mean for this to be all complaints but that's how it's turned out. Sometimes I just have to vent and get it all off my chest.

thoughts ... ramblings realy

2009-01-25T16:02:00.001-08:00

I don't understand God. Most of the time I don't feel the need to understand Him but after nites like last nite I find myself wondering 'why?' when it comes to the details of life. Like, why would He allow babies to be born to people who don't want them when there are people who try so hard to have kids and either can't or they have miscarriage after miscarriage? Or why not stop someone from shooting them self in the head but lets them live with half a brain and 100% dependent on others. Why is it not okay for some people to have a full life? I realize God made us with free will so we can make our own choices but even so. Why doesn't He stop us when we do something that's going to hurt ourselves or others?

Christmas frustrations

2008-12-23T17:29:00.001-08:00

The thing that frustrates me about christmas isn't the weather or the cooking or the clean up after the presents have been opened. It's people. We spend all year stressing over everyday life. We complain. We say we need a break, a long vacation preferably. But when we finally have that chance, very seldom do we use it wisely. Christmas comes just once a year. We have allotted just 2 days to celebrate not only the birth of Christ but to cherish our families and friends. Those who are important to us. So why do we allow ourselves to stress over not finding the perfect gift or not having enough one for the perfect gift. Christmas is about family. And friends. And fun. And laughter. Things that should be celebrated year round. Instead we allow only 2 days a year for this and we can't even do that right.

Things I've learned this year

2008-12-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

Around this time of year most people sit down to their computers and type out some long newsletter about the things they've done and/or accomplished this year. I'm not belittling this by any means. Normally I'm one of them. I'm sure you can go back through the most recent years of my life via blog and see that very same thing. This year, though, I've decided to take a different point of view.

It's been a rather difficult year, not just for me but my family as well. I've officially been divorced for over a year. Zech had his THIRD set of tubes put in his ears. Thankfully they are still in. However, since Thanksgiving we've had 2 bouts of strep with both Ethan and Zech. I will be talking to the pediatrician about Ethan's tonsils coming out. My dad had a stroke over the summer. My grandma had what they thought was a heart attack and now I can't remember the actual diagnosis. My mom had knee surgery. It's been a year. I'm not discounting the things that have happened because they're fairly significant events for the most part. For a season, each of those events was allowed to define me and members of my family. However, I don't want to glorify those things.

Instead, I want to tell you about what I've learned this year. (In no particular order.)

*I've learned that it's okay to cry myself to sleep only to wake up 2 or 3 hours later and do it all over again.

*I've learned that it's okay to laugh until there are tears running down my face and my side hurts so much I can't stand up.

*I've learned that my world should revolve around my kids. This one's difficult with school and not always getting to see them as much as I want.

*I've learned that it's okay to need a break from life and just have alone time... all alone.

*I've learned more from my kids in the last year than I ever knew was possible and am so excited about the adventures in our future.

*I've learned that it's okay to get along the the ex-husband. It's really and truly better for the kids when we get along.

*I've learned that I have some of the most awesome people in my life, family and friends.

*I've learned that my mother is one of my best friends. Most of the time she really does know what she's talking about. She's human but always has our best interests at heart.

*I've learned that my brother married an incredible woman. I love her to pieces and I can't imagine anyone better for my little brother.

*I've learned that I'm always going to call my dad "Daddy", no matter how old I get.

*I've learned that my best friend and her husband are two of the most incredible people. Much more so than I ever really tell them.

*I've learned that my world is not going to be tossed into oblivion if I don't check my email every 5 minutes... working on learning that with my phone!

*I've learned that seeing my kids smile is one of the best gifts ever in my life.

*I've learned that it's okay to make mistakes. Learn from them and go on but remember them for future reference... just in case.

*I've learned that it's okay to say no.

*I've learned that it's okay to say yes.

*I've learned that it's okay to be spontaneous.

*I've learned to not just like myself but love the person I am.

*I've learned to be myself. Truly be myself.

*I've learned that what's important to me isn't necessarily important to someone else and that it doesn't have to be.

*I've learned that it's okay to agree to disagree.

*I've learned that God's timing and my timing aren't always the same but that His is best.

*I've learned to be patient... okay, I'm learning to be more patient in certain areas.

*I've learned to look for the good in a bad situation. To see the silver-lining so to speak. this was especially helpful in the class I took this fall where the "silver-lining" was a few new friends.

*I've learned that it's okay to get frustrated and upset and to be angry as long as that emotion is not the one that defines me.

*I've learned that I have a choice every morning whether to be in a good mood or a cranky mood... I'm learning to be more consistent in that choice.

*I've learned not to agree to things I don't really want or need in my life.

*I've learned that I still have tons more to learn.

*I'm learning to voice my appreciation more frequently than in previous times.

*I'm continuously learning about God's grace and mercy through interactions with my kids, my family, and my friends.

*I'm learning about God's favor more and more everyday.

*I'm relearning to grow my relationship with God and to pray for His will in my life.

*I'm learning to pray for my kids and to teach them to pray.

Well, that's a long list and doesn't even begin to encompass everything I've learned. These are just the things I came up with off the top of my head. I hope you've enjoyed my knew perspective and that it encourages you and inspires you. Or in the very least humors you to some point!

My night....

2008-11-20T06:30:00.000-08:00

Overall it was a good night. Busy but good. Those are the nights I like to have. You get stuff done. Save people's lives. And by staying busy the night goes by fast.... Much faster than if we'd only had 3 patients and no trauma's. We ended up with 4 total trauma's I think and several critical patients before the night was over.

There was an accident last night though that's sticking with me. I didn't have any of the victims as patients nor were they even at my hospital. However, I did talk to the EMSA guys who were on the scene... it wasn't good.

A little boy lost his dad, his grandma, and his sister is in critical condition with 2 broken legs while him and his mom are fairly stable. All of this tragedy was caused by someone who decided at the age of 42 years old, to drink and drive... or maybe use drugs (prescription or otherwise) and drive Either way, she was under the influence of something and totally destroyed a family ... almost killed 5 people... She killed 2. She shouldn't have killed any. She shouldn't have been driving.

This little boy is going to wake up today wanting his daddy to hold him. Or his sister to run and play with him. Or his grandma to hold him and give him kisses. That won't be happening. Not in this life. All because someone decided it would be fun or that it was necessary ... whichever ... to drive and not be fully coherent.

This little girl is 7 years old. She is going live the majority of her life without knowing her father. Without her father there to walk her down the aisle for her wedding or to "chaperone" her first date. He won't be there to teach her to ride a bike ... if she can even walk after having 2 fractured femurs and countless other injuries.

I'm harping on this partially because of what I'm about to do. It's 0821 and I've been up since 0630 yesterday. So, going on 26 hours, give or take. I have a competency skills test at 1035 and will be heading home after that putting me at 28 hours awake before I get to head home. I am responsible enough, however, to know when I've been up too long. This is borderline too long. I've been up for longer, recently even, but I know to pull off the road if I'm not driving well. I know to crash at a friends house for a few hours. Whatever.

I love my job and what I do. I love being able to save people's lives. But it's really hard to want to save the life of someone who knowingly gets behind the wheel of a vehicle under the influence of drugs or alcohol and takes not only their life but everyone else's who's around them as well. Just keep that in mind.

about my weekend

2008-11-18T18:57:00.001-08:00

4 patients died. 2 kids in the ER. 1 friend passed away.

That's the basic gist.

I met a nice older gentleman on Friday during clinicals. He had dementia and was a little more confused than normal. I took the time to sit with him and keep him distracted. I found out that he had 7 kids and used to build houses in the Tulsa area. That was 40 some odd years ago. He got admitted to the hospital and going to be okay. No idea where his family was that day.

PT #1, was a gentleman who was in his 70's, still living at home on his own but home health nurses checked on him everyday. He fell sometime Friday morning in between the time he woke up and the time the home health nurses got there. He was unresponsive. He was on a backboard and had a c-collar on. He never made it off the backboard. He was never stable enough to go to CT or X-ray to check his spine in order to be cleared to be taken off the backboard. He was surrounded by family.

PT#2, was a 14 y/o who was an unrestrained passenger in a car driven by a 15 y/o who had no scratches or bruises. 15 y/o went to juvey or some version of jail. Couldn't speak English. No names were known so no family could be informed.

PT#3, was an unwanted baby. A miscarriage at about 16 weeks. The woman did not want to be pregnant. The baby is in a much better place now.

PT#4, I refuse to discuss.

Both kids have strep. Ethan was diagnosed on Thursday and Zech was diagnosed on Saturday. Zech also has a kidney/bladder infection thing going on and is REALLY dehydrated....

And I posted a blog about my friend who passed away....

life

2008-11-18T17:15:00.000-08:00

Someone I know passed away this weekend. She was close enough to be a friend, not close enough to be the first person I call. In all honesty I haven't even talked to her in months but that doesn't mean she hasn't been on my mind. As a society we subscribe to "I'll do it later when I have time" ... well, time is running out or, as in this case, time ran out.

G was a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a teacher beloved dearly by her students, and a friend. Most importantly she knew her Father and knew that she would truly be Home when her time came. The thing that strikes me most about G is that looking at her you would never know she was sick. Never. I knew her for about six months before I knew she had cancer and to this day I couldn't tell you what kin of cancer she had. She didn't let the cancer define who she was.

She lived her life. Really lived it. Every time I talked to her she was doing something or going somewhere or had something going on in her life. She was not another cancer patient. She was G, Liver of Life. And that's the way she should be remembered. Her blog is full of pictures of her and her family and her trips. It's full of her life and her life was about so much more than cancer. http://www.genevasfamilyblog.blogspot.com if you are interested.

Here's my thing.... if someone with cancer can have such a zeal and a love for life and can seize every moment thrown at them even going so far as to make special moments happen .... why can't I?

My prayer

2008-11-05T06:30:00.000-08:00

I was a little disheartened last night when I heard the results of the election. The person I voted for was not elected into office. To me, the best person for the job did not win. I did my part. I voted. I voted for the person I thought would be who this country needs. Apparently, most of the those who voted disagreed with me. That's okay.

I know God is still in control and no matter what happens He has a plan and a purpose for what just happened. There is a song by Brandon Heath called Give Me Your Eyes. If you haven't heard it I strongly encourage you to listen to it. To really listen to the words and what they mean.

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah
Yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Chorus

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

questions, thoughts .... something

2008-08-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

A random person came back into my life recently. I'm not sure how I feel about it. There are people in my life ... well, in and out of my life ... who no matter what I'd be there for them. Any time of any day. No matter what the circumstances. This person fits into this category.

The last communication we had prior to this was Superbowl Sunday and him telling me it was inappropriate for us to talk because he was dating someone. Now, he's not dating anyone and he says he just wanted to know how I'm doing because, "it's not like I never wonder how you are". We talked for a couple of days via text and that was it. Now, a couple of weeks later, I still feel all turned upside down inside. This is someone who I was totally and completely in love with. Starting from the time I was about 15 I always thought we would be together in a forever sense. That he's the one I'm supposed to be with. That lasted until just a few years ago. Reality struck and I got over him. For the most part. I do still care about him and there is still a special place in my heart for him. There always will be. I guess that's part of why I feel all turn upside down.

I guess what I need to know now is if this was an attempt to restart a friendship or if this is just a fly by night kind of thing. A random encounter. Something of that sort. I understand wanting to check on someone you haven't talked to in a while but when it's someone who attempted to be friends with you and you blew them off, more than once ... what gives you the right to care how they're doing or what's going on in their life? Seriously. Last I knew this person wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and I'm okay with that. Really. He's moved on with his life. I truly understand that.

Or maybe it's that I still love him. Maybe. Deep down. WAY deep down. I don't know. I once told a friend of mine, "you don't fall out of love with someone, just the way you love them changes" and I wonder if that's maybe true in this case. Either way. What I do know is that I'm asking for friendship. That's it. Absolutely nothing else. But that goes 2 ways. Return phone calls and text messages for example. Hang out at the Zoo. I can't be the one instigating this. I tried that already. More than once. And got burned. More than once. Figure out what you want.

a complete short story

2008-07-29T17:07:00.002-07:00

I included what my instructor said on this one too!

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A Complete Short Story

"Take the baby and leave! Don't let him find you!"

My sister's last words to me echo through my head as I speed across the country, my thoughts drifting over the last week.

(One week ago.)

"I've already set up everything through my attorney but that doesn't mean Joey won't try to find you or her and take things into his own hands."

I sit there, shaking my head, listening to my sister's feeble voice as she hands me her baby and a sparse amount of baby items. Penny, the baby, is perfectly healthy despite my sister’s choice of lifestyle.

"Look. She's the best thing I've ever done, probably the only thing I have ever done right, in my entire life. Please take her for me. Keep her safe."

I look up from Penny to see my sister's eyes filling with tears and still so full of determination to keep her baby from the path she herself took.

"Okay", I agree, holding onto my niece as tight as possible without breaking her.

Four days later I'm holding Penny as we sit and listen to the preacher fail miserably at talking as if he actually knew my sister. I snuggle Penny tighter into her blanket and walk away from the small graveside service.

Back at my house, I put the baby down for a nap, change into comfortable clothes, and make some phone calls. First, I call my boss and take an extended leave of absence stating a family emergency as the reason and I'm not sure when or if I will return. I tell my landlord the same things, promising to leave the keys for her so she could rent to someone else. She, in return, promised to have my security deposit to me this afternoon which will allow me to rent a storage unit and pre-pay one year on it.

Finally, I sit down and look at a map of the United States. It's imperative to move Penny away from here. Her dad, Joey, is a mean one and will stop at nothing to get what is rightfully his. He was granted parole and will be released from prison later this month so we don't have a lot of time.

I sit and stare at the map trying to find a rural place, as far away from Utah as possible. I plot a course that will take us through most of the Midwestern states; Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri, Arkansas, and finally Tennessee; the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains. It is necessary to make the course as difficult as possible to avoid being followed and to settle in a small town where everyone knows everyone. It is safer that way.

I hear little coos coming from the bedroom so I make my way there to see Penny sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

"Hi precious little one," I start talking to her as I change her diaper and put fresh clothes on her. "Soon we will be taking a trip. We're going to go across lots of places and see lots of new things on the way. We're going to be living in a new town and you will have new friends there to play with."

Early the next day, the packers arrive to help pack and move everything into storage, except for what I have already packed up for our trip. I don't have the biggest car so we are only taking basic necessities with us and once we are settled will send for everything else.

(Back to present day.)

I look in the rear view mirror and see Penny, sleeping in her car seat with her little hand balled up in her cheek, her copper colored hair plastered to her face with sweat. My sister was right, I think to myself, Penny is probably the best thing she ever did, even down to naming her. I look back up to the highway and see a sign that Baxter, Tennessee is just a few miles more down I40. This will be our final stop.

Baxter, Tennessee, with its population just over 1200, is exactly what I am looking for. I decided this about an hour ago while stopped at a Welcome Center in Nashville. It's a small town with basic amenities ; fire and police departments, with a clinic attached to a hospital that handles less traumatic cases. It's buried way in the depths of Tennessee and small enough that new people are noticed right away; another very important factor in my decision.

I pull into the local hotel and get out of the car. I reach in to pull Penny out but notice that she feels incredibly warm, warmer than she should. Getting back into the car, I head towards downtown in hopes of finding the hospitals emergency room.

"What do you mean you don't know how long she's been sick?" the doctor growls at me.

"We've been traveling for a couple of days now. She wasn't this warm when we stopped in Nashville", I try to explain.

"Why have you been traveling for so long? Are you running from something?"

"Can't you just please tell me what is wrong with her? I checked her pupils. They're barely reacting and her vital signs are within normal range, on the low end of normal though".

"How do you know how to check her pupils?" The doctor looks at me more with curiosity than animosity this time.

"I'm a nurse, is all I will allow in explanation. Can you please just tell me what's going on?"

"She has a virus. I sent cultures to see if it is bacterial or viral but that can take a few days so I will put her on antibiotics just to be safe. Will you be in town for a few days?"

"Yes," I reply, thankful that she's not sick with hepatitis, what killed her mother.

"Good. I'd like to see her in my office in a few days. The nurse will give you the information when she discharges her. Now, as for you, I suggest you get some rest and some good food in you or I will be seeing you in here next. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your baby."

I nod, hoping he doesn't start asking about the details of her birth, since I wasn't there. Finally, the nurse comes in, discharges Penny, and gives directions not only to the doctor's office and drug store but also to a restaurant that is supposed to be really good and kid friendly.

Making our way out of the hospital we go first to the drug store and then to the restaurant since just hearing the doctor just mention food made me realize how hungry I am. An hour later we head back to the hotel. Get changed into our pajama's, and fall asleep.

Three months go by. Life with a baby is something I'm getting used to. Waking up at first light every morning to a little person who needs me for everything every little thing is humbling and overwhelming all at the same time.

We have a cute little house just off Main Street and we know all of our neighbors by name. We got all of our stuff out of storage and used the rest of the money that was prepaid to have it all shipped to us. Plus, we have acquired some new items. I officially quit my job and I have a new job working at the local hospital. Penny goes to daycare three days a week while I'm working and has quite a few little friends. I have made a few friends myself and have let up my guard just ever so slightly to let people in but still no one knows the whole story of how we landed here in Baxter. Tonight, I have a date with the doctor. His name is Greg and he is actually a very nice person, despite our first meeting.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Hi! It's me!" Shelby, Penny's daycare teacher and my closest friend here, calls as she walks through our front door.

"Come on in! I'm so glad you are early. I still have a million things to do to get ready for tonight", I say as I hug her.

"Go on and do what you need to do. I'll keep on eye on her while you get yourself together".

"Thanks!" I call over my shoulder as I head off to take a shower.

Forty-five minutes later I'm out of the shower, my hair and makeup are done, I just have to find something to wear. I finally settle on an emerald green dress and am putting the finishing touches on when Greg knocks on the door. I hear Shelby let him and and just stand there listening to him play with Penny. After a couple of minutes I walk out to the living room to join them.

"Hello Gorgeous!" Greg says as he winks and hands me a yellow rose. "Are you ready to go?"

"I think so. Shelby has the numbers to where we're going to be so I don't think there's anything else for me to do here." I grin as I take his hand, hug Penny, and wave as we walk out the door headed to Main Street.

Three hours go by, full of dinner, dancing, and desert. As we walk back to my house I realize that I actually really enjoyed tonight. And that for the first time in a while I wasn't overly stressed about the things that are going on in life.

We walk past a man sitting on one of the benches that are abundant through downtown. We are about a hundred feet away from the man when I hear my name being called behind me.

"Julia!"

Surprised, I turn around to see the man stumbling towards us. A photograph flashes out from my memory along with my sister’s words, “Don't let him find you!”

"Joey". I struggle to get the word out as the town starts spinning around me. Suddenly everything goes black.

"Julia? Honey? Open your eyes." I recognize the voice but can't quite place it. I slowly open my eyes. Taking in the view of everything around me it takes a minute but I realize I'm in the hospital and Greg is at my bedside.

"Penny?" It's the only word I can form as I feel the fear start to strangle me.

"She is safe. Shelby has her and is on her way over here."

“How long?” I ask, still only able to say short phrases.

"You've been here for two days now. You took quite a tumble."

"What happened?"

Greg shakes his head. "Now isn't the time."

"Now. Please?" I ask, pleading with my eyes.

He stares at me for a minute before he begins.

"Joey was here. There are a few sketchy details that you will need to fill in but basically we know that he is Penny's dad. You are actually Penny's aunt but that her mom is not just your sister but your twin. And that she died several months ago. I went through some of your things and found the letters from the attorney. He will be here later this week to talk to you in person about some things."

"When do I get out of here?

"Maybe tomorrow. Now, be a good little patient and go to sleep." He kisses me on the forehead just as Shelby walks in with Penny.

It's a struggle to get my arms up but I hold them out for her as Shelby places her in my arms.

"You two take a nap. I will be here but you both need your rest and I want to talk to Greg", Shelby says as she pulls Greg outside.

I look down at Penny nestled in my arms and decide that a nap sounds perfect. About an hour later I wake to find Penny trying to crawl up to my face.

"Hi Precious!" I say in response to her coos.

"Shelby? Are you still in here?"

"Right here", she says as she pulls her chair up closer to the bed.

"What really happened?" I ask. "Greg told me the high points but he didn't tell me everything. I know he didn't."

"Okay", she says as she gauges whether I can handle it or not. "You know Joey was here. What you don't know is that he has been in the area for a week or so now. He's been asking around some of the other towns for you and showing a picture of your sister."

"Okay. What else?"

"Some of your neighbors heard that there was someone looking for you so every day for the last week there has have been people watching your house twenty-four hours a day, both front and back doors. There has also been someone watching your car while you work and watching the daycare anytime Penny has been there."

" You knew this?" Shock trying to take over my body.

"Yes. But there's more."

"Okay. What else could there be?" My heart is pounding now.

"Well a couple nights ago, while you were on your date with Greg, Joey showed up at the house while Penny and I were sleeping. He managed to get in and take Penny."

"He what?! How?"

"Let me finish."

"Okay, just hurry."

"The men split up. Josh went to get the sheriff. Nate followed Joey to see where he took Penny and to be able to tell the sheriff where he was. George stayed at the house, keeping me calm and watching over the place. It would be good for the story if Josh and George had appeared on the scene before this point. "

"George does have that effect on people." I smile.

"Yes. He does. Anyway. Joey dropped Penny off in the big blue mailbox on Main Street by the courthouse and the walked a few blocks to the bench where you fainted and bumped your head on the sidewalk. Nate called the sheriff to have him send an officer to get the baby. Officer Jones took Penny to the hospital, she was checked out and sent home with me and George. She's perfectly fine. George's wife has been doting on her. She's been over everyday bringing little hats and outfits that she's knitted."

"Okay. I'm breathing again. Is that it?"

"Well, did you happen to notice Greg's shiner?!"

"Oh no! He got hit?!"

"Just once. He puts up a pretty good fight when it comes to those he cares about", Shelby winks as she says this.

“Hi Gorgeous! A little bird told me you were awake and talking!” Greg walks in the door with a stuffed puppy almost as big as him.

"What did you do? Buy the biggest thing you could find?" I tease him.

"Well, I thought Penny needed something to play with! He laughs as he sets it down and kisses my forehead. So, did Shelby tell you everything?"

"All but how you got that nice big shiner there." I laugh, teasing him again.

"Well, it was worth it if it helped save you and Penny. But you have some story telling to do yourself. Do you feel like talking?"

"Well, you guys really should know what's going on but get the sheriff in here so I only have to tell it once." They all laugh as Shelby reaches for her phone to call the sheriff.

For the next twenty minutes I lay there watching my two closest friends as they talk and play with Penny, occasionally directing statements my way. The sheriff shows up and after making sure I'm really up to this he says, "Okay little lady. Tell me your story."

"Well", I begin, "my twin sister was diagnosed with hepatitis C several years ago. I became a nurse afterwards in case I would ever need to take care of her and because I needed to do something with my life. About 8 months ago I got a letter from her saying she was really very sick and not sure how long she would live. She also said that she'd had a baby and that her the baby’s daddy was in prison for murder. So, I quit the job I had in Wyoming and moved to Utah where my sister was. I lived in my own little place and worked at the hospital there and took care of my sister and Penny on my days off. After about four months my sister told me to just take the baby and leave and not to let Joey find her. She said that Joey had sent her a letter saying he was up for parole and would be back to get Penny in about a month. The next day she died. We stayed for the funeral, Penny and me I, but then took off to find a new place to live. That's how we ended up here. You all know the rest of the story. Other than one picture my sister kept of her and Joey I had never seen him until a couple night ago. He looks the same but with a few less pounds and needing a good shave. What is going to happen to him?"

"Joey was never paroled. After he knocked the doctor out, Nate and Josh took him out. They tied him up until I could get there. Once we got him booked we found out that he had actually escaped and had a plan to kill your sister and Penny. Since your sister had already passed on he decided to kill you in her place. He is now on his way back to prison, a different one this time, though." The sheriff shook his head at the events that had just played out in his town. "I'm glad your you’re okay miss, and that the little one is safe too", he says as he walks out the door.

"So, I guess there's really just one more question for you to answer, Greg says as he scoots closer to the bed and hands me Penny."

"What's that? I question, curious about the look in his eyes."

"Julia, I've fallen totally head over hills in love with you. Will you marry me?"

"Even knowing what you know now?"

"Yes. Even knowing all that I know now. I want to make a happy life for Penny and I want you both to always be close where I can keep you safe."

"Yes, Greg. I will marry you!"

Penny looks at me with a big grin on her face. She takes her chubby little baby hands, places my face between them, and kisses my nose. Then she looks at Greg and says, “Da!Da!”

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The story is exciting. The characters are well sketched in, and are amazingly believable given the limited length of the story. This is a good plot. The story could be lengthened, the little town and the characters more largely described, and be a nice novel.
100 points

creative writing 4

2008-07-29T17:07:00.001-07:00

Directions: Write a scene where the two main characters are keeping secrets from each other. Write the scene from each perspective. In each version we will have access to the secret of the point-of-view character, but not the secret of the other. Even so, the non-point-of-view character's behavior and dialogue may hint at his/her secret, regardless of whether or not the main character perceives it.

(Point-of-view #1)

Dinner. Check.
Candles. Check.
Soft music. Check.
Fresh clothes and makeup. Double check.

“I think I have everything in order, “ I speculate as I bend down to pet our new puppy, Charlie. “Daddy should be home soon.” I stand up. “Great! I'm talking to the dog now. Although, he usually is the only one home to talk to.”

I walk to the bar, pour myself a glass of wine, settle onto a barstool, and wait. Finally, after what seems like hours, headlights appear in the driveway. I put away the wine, the only thing my doctor says I can drink for the next 8 months or so, and walk to the front door to greet my husband. Oh, if he only knew.

“Honey! Hi! How was your day?” I greet him as enthusiastically as possible, throwing a little fakeness in just to be sure.

“Happy anniversary!” he says as I help him shrug off his coat.

“Dinner is almost ready. I set the formal dining room up and dinner is being catered.”

He wiggles his eyebrows in true Groucho Marx style and drops his voice to a theater whisper, “did you tell them it might get a little noisy later and not to stick around cause we're going to be working on a baby?!”

I laugh. It's expected that I find him funny when he does things like that. Truthfully, I do find it cute. I did rather. Not so much anymore. The last few months have been really bad. Bad enough that I, not having any friends of my own, called his brother crying hysterically one night. Bad enough that things happened with his brother that shouldn't have. Just one night, about a month ago.

Recently though, things have been better. He finished the case he was working on that took all of his time away from me, which is now the reason we have a puppy. Charlie was a consolation prize in case I didn't accept his apology after that really bad night.

Now, I sit here, with my husband, eating our anniversary dinner and only half listening to what he is saying. My thoughts are on what the doctor said today. “It looks like the baby is due June 17th, thereabouts anyway,” the doctor told me, “and tell your husband congratulations and that I expect to see him with you at your visit next month.”

As I watch my husband inhale his dinner I only have one question left that no one can answer. How do I tell my husband that I'm pregnant and his brother may be the father?

(Point-of-view #2)

I pull into the driveway only an hour late as opposed to just sleeping on the sofa in my office for the night, which I would prefer. My secretary had to remind me that today is our anniversary so I have to make an appearance, at least for dinner, and then I can make an excuse to get back to the office. I park, pull on my overcoat, and head inside.

“Honey! Hi! How was your day?” She sounds like she is bored with me already. I mumble something in reply, not sure what I am actually saying though.

It smells good in our house, something that rarely happens. I figure it out just as she says she called the caterer. Thank God! Lord knows I didn't marry her for her cooking abilities.

I look at the clock, figure I can give it an hour of mundane small talk, a little rolling around in bed afterwards, and then plead work. All in all, I should be back at the office in two hours, three max.

I sit down and start eating, randomly talking about my day and asking hers. She seems preoccupied but then, so am I. I start talking about an upcoming business trip that will take a full week this time. She doesn't seem to care. I go back to just shoveling in my food, remembering the last business trip I took and wondering if this one will be the same.

I hope she brings the black lace bra and matching thong this time, I find myself thinking. My wife is really good looking but my secretary, man, she's hot!! She's probably just barely old enough to be legal.

I down a glass of wine, wishing I was already into next week, on a beach in Tahiti with my secretary in her barely-there bikini.

I look at my wife, “Ready to go make that baby you've been wanting so bad?”

creative writing 3

2008-07-29T17:06:00.002-07:00

Directions:
Imagine some deceit growing out of control. Your character "borrowed" something without asking, and now it's lost or broken, the babysitter was distracted on the phone, and now one of the kids is missing; a character told a lie that seemed harmless (the dog ate the homework, etc.). The little lie is now big; it has come back to haunt him.
Now crank things up a notch; the last item is irreplaceable, and the owner had promised to get the borrower a job at a local TV station; the missing child has a medical condition and cannot go long without medication, etc. How might this trouble be related to the characters desire? She was desperate to impress others, he was fixated on getting into medical school. Take the situation and go for it.

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"Hi ,Honey. I'm just calling to let you know I have to work late tonight. I know it's our anniversary but you know how important this case is to my career. Besides, we can always celebrate later. Call me when you get this message.".

Cadence hung up the phone sighing in relief. The lies got easier each time. Jonathon would never know the truth as long as she kept producing finances comparable to all the "overtime" she was doing lately. It's a good thing she works fast and so far has been able to keep up on that front. It was a good thing she worked fast and so far she had been able to keep up on that front. No time to think about that now though.

Cadence grabbed her gym bag from her office closet and headed down the hall to the nearest ladies’ room. Once there she slid into the largest stall and began changing. The business suit and pumps turned into a slinky red cocktail dress and stilettos. A quick fix of her makeup, some bright red lipstick, and a quick run of her finger through her hair. There. Perfect.

She walks out of the building, hails a cab and gives directions to one of the most expensive restaurants in the city. She walked out of the building, hailed a cab and gave directions to one of the most expensive restaurants in the city. It was always this way. They never ate in the same restaurant twice. They never stayed in the same hotel twice. They never drove together. She always took a taxi. He always drove himself.
Dinner was imperative. It was an event that happens to make it seem as though sex isn't their only reason to be together. After some small talk, a little wine, and more than a little flirting the atmosphere was primed. He swiftly paid the bill and hand in hand they escaped to their reserved room in the attached hotel.

Three or four hours passed. Their bodies lay intertwined, naked and smelling of the passion they had shared. She rose and sauntered to the window to pull the drapes back. Lightning flashes flashed in the distance as thunder echoes echoed through the building. She goes back to the bed. "Adam. Adam.", she whispered loudly trying to wake him. He mutters something and rolls over, eyes open, taking in her silhouette.
"Adam, I need to go. There's a bad storm coming and I need to be home soon.", Cadence says. He watches as she heads to the bathroom and begins to dress. Adam rolls out of bed and begins to dress himself. "You know,", he starts, walking into the bathroom, "I could take you home. I know it's not part of the deal but just this once. I want to make sure you're home safe and it's the same direction I have to travel already.".

Cadence begins to say no but stops. Just this once, she thinks, what would it hurt? "Okay Adam," she agrees. "You can drive me.".
Less than forty-five minutes later they're on the road, weaving in and out of the rolling foothills leading up to the Rocky Mountains as torrential rains pour down the mountains.

"ADAM! Slow down!", Cadence screams as he takes the turns too fast for her comfort.

"Would you trust me?! I drive this road all the time! I could do this blind-folded!" Lights flash from on oncoming car, both vehicles going too fast, and suddenly everything goes black.

Paramedics, firefighters, and police officers all show up on the scene within minutes. One look at the accident and they know there are no survivors but, for the families involved, try valiantly to discover who the people are, to no avail.

"Cadence, hey Baby. I just wanted to see how you're your night has been. I understand having to work late tonight. It's something that's important to you. Know that I love you and make plans to go out of town with me this weekend to celebrate our anniversary.", Jonathon sighs worriedly, hoping Cadence is not involved in the accident that was just shown on the news.

creative writing 2

2008-07-29T17:06:00.001-07:00

I included what my instructor said at the bottom of this one ....

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Directions: This exercise is meant to help you remember a period of time and then find a scene within it. First, think of a time you remember well and can write about with authority. Now, write a summary of a typical day during this period. Your summary should be generalized and habitual, yet specific and detailed. Finally, move to a specific moment. Select this moment with care. It should be significant introducing a conflict or representing a turning point. Create this scene. Use dialogue, significant details.

Toward the end of summer every year band camp started, two weeks before school. We were expected on the practice field every weekday morning by 7:45a.m., poker chips in tow, and were not finished for the day until 5:00PM or later. Once school started, we practiced from 3:15PM to 5:00PM and 1:00PM to 7:00PM on most weekends until contest season started. “PRIDE, TEN HUT!”, reverberated across the field every morning as the directors called us to attention. We learned our shows four sets at a time, each one marked by the poker chips; red, white, blue, and black in color.

When football season started in September, we used the Friday night games as dress rehearsals. We debuted new choreography and new sets, the marks we hit as we played the music weekly; and every Friday night we felt like we were putting on a new show. By the time contest season started in October, we had become pro’s at learning and implementing new material each week. We put in many repetitive, grueling hours, but reaped so many rewards. Every contest had categories for us to compete in: visual effects, musical effects, and general effects. Points in each category were awarded by judges both in the skybox and on the field. At the end of each competition, the points were added up and the first, second, and third place runners up were announced along with the Grand Champion.

One of the rewards was performing and competing in Grand Nationals on the field of the RCA Dome where the Indianapolis Colts play football each fall. High off a winning season, we continued to exceed our own expectations of how good we were. We had won every category at all previous competitions that year. Finally reaching Grand Nationals, we competed in three competitions; Preliminaries, Semi-finals and Finals, not expecting to make it past Semi-Finals as with each competition more bands were eliminated.

After Prelims the suspense could be cut with a knife as we awaited the results, knowing the eighty plus bands were about to be cut to thirty. We were one of the thirty, most of us having completed our absolute best performance up to that point. Our hearts were pounding as we were ecstatic to have made it that far. We sailed past Semi-Finals into Finals. Thirty bands were cut to twelve, each one vying for the number one spot, to be known as the best band in the nation.

Then came the Finals. The crowd roared and cheered as we marched onto the field guided by a drum cadence not heard so much as felt. We stopped, centered on the fifty yard line, just for a beat, before spreading to our respective sets first learned so many months ago. A hush fells fell over the crowd. The announcer exclaimed, “Bands of America is proud to present Broken Arrow High School Marching Band!” Fifteen minutes went by in a whirl of musical highs and lows surrounded by the myriad of colors created by the costumes and flags of the color guard. Loud upbeat numbers combined with soft, sweet ballads as the color guard added a visual aspect to the story told by the music. As the performance came to an end, we all stood at attention while the final notes echoed through the dome. Each one of us knew we had reached the pinnacle of this particular season. Even though we did not place first in competition, we knew we had won by consistently exceeding our expectations.

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What a nice piece of writing ! I like the beginning, “Toward the end of summer every year…” with its vagueness, which contrasts so well with the crisply detailed specific events of a particular summer. I had no idea the recounting of band contests could be so interesting. The writing is original, the chronological structure holds it all together, and the various contests are made particular and important.
100 points

creative writing

2008-07-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

I decided to give you guys a sampling of the writing I had to do for the class I took over the summer ... here's one of my assignments ... I'll add more here in a bit.

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Jennifer Garcia
June 6, 2008

Directions: Describe a characters bedroom using the setting to reveal the character. What does the furniture look like? What’s on the walls? In the drawers? Underneath the bed? In the closet? Try to use all five senses. Finish your survey of the room by arriving at a single, especially important object that is connected to a secret your character has hidden from almost everyone. Tell us about the secret.

Heavy mahogany double doors expose a light, airy room worthy of a magazine layout. Nothing in this room suggests that it is a college-age girl who resides here. Plush white carpet greets my bare feet with softness. Substantial furniture of a former century sits about the room adding stability and color with its size and dark wood. The walls are bare save for two black and white, enlarged landscapes. Gauzy white sheers flutter in the breeze of an open window. A hint of jasmine wafts about the room.

Framed by floor to ceiling windows, a king size canopy bed anchors the wall directly to my right. Thin white material weaves through the canopy draping from each post. Egyptian cotton sheets, a down comforter, and pillows with lace shams, all in white, adorn the bed. Deep red accent pillows add a rare splash of color to the room.

Opposite the bed stands a stately old dresser. Six drawers lined up side-by-side in two stacks of three forms a sturdy base for the large mirror that rests on top. An ornate jewelry box lies in the center of the dresser top. Made of gopher wood and inlaid with gold and sapphires, the jewelry box holds rings, earrings, bracelets, and necklaces all nestled on a cerulean velvet cushion. An old photograph sits just inside the lid, capturing a small family in front of an Arabian palace. Each of them wearing grins as the dad wraps his arms around his wife and daughter.

Further into the room is a sitting area defined by a crimson rug that stands out against the carpet. White suede chairs, with accent pillows matching those on the bed, flank a small mahogany table, their backs to the bed. Bookshelves line the wall facing the chairs like little toy soldiers. Magazines and books overflow the shelves and are stacked precariously on the small table.

In the far back corner of the room, a maroon drape hangs partially open in a doorway. Walking through the soft drape, I come into a huge closet, full of shoes and jeans and just normal everyday college-age clothes. Stacks of clothes and shoes and purses cover the floor, almost as a second carpet or rug. Before walking too much further into the closet, I look for a light switch. Finding several I start flipping them only to hear gears start moving and to see a panel of the closet open.

Walking through the panel that opens I am amazed at what I encounter. Smells so thick I could almost taste them. A myriad of colors hang on racks and shelves throughout the room. A closer look reveals ball gowns and tiaras and high end-shoes, all too expensive for your normal college-age girl to own, all organized by item. There is a large three-way mirror surrounded by vanity lights where I just stand in awe at the luxury around me. Then something in the mirror catches my eye. A framed document from a palace in Saudi Arabia states that the college-girl who lives here is a princess!

thoughts

2008-07-29T06:31:00.001-07:00

It's been a while since I've written and/or posted anything worth actually reading. Writing is my passion but once I made up my mind to go through with Nursing school I quit writing totally. Now, I have a massive jumble of words and thought floating around in my head, trying to get out. So, that being said, I'm going to start writing ... blogging really, I guess ... again.

I'm a dork.

2008-07-01T18:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I readily admit that I have my very own, personal dorky moments. Like ... running out of gas on my way to the gas station. (don't ask ... :D) Or those everyday blond moments that make people ask me if I'm naturally blond ... to which I respond "isn't everyone at some point?!" and point out that I have gray coming in with my very dark roots. I seriously have my days where I question the validity of my roots.

Taking a change of topic here. I'm originally from Kentucky ... so I say. I was born there. Lived there until I was 3 months old then the parents moved me across the river to Ohio where I acquired a little brother and numerous pets. We spent 9 years in Ohio before moving back across the river to Kentucky. After 4 years in Kentucky we moved to Oklahoma. This was when I was 12 so the summer of 1993. Now, 15 years later we are all still here.

A lot has happened in the last 15 years. I graduated from high school and from Rhema. Both of my parents graduated from Rhema and are both pursuing 3rd year. My brother graduated from high school and from TU. He also got married to someone he graduated TU with. She's fantastic too! I got married and subsequently divorced after having the 2 most precious kids on the earth. There have been a lot of life changes take place in Oklahoma.

So why, after spending over half of my life in Oklahoma, is Kentucky still home? I mean, really. I only spent just over 4 years there total throughout my entire life. I think it must have something to do with family.

Those of you who know me know that my family is very important to me. Aside from my parents, my brother and his wife, me and my kids all of my family is in Kentucky. So every time we go home there's this overwhelming sense of belonging. Of knowing that no matter what happens in life these are the people who love unconditionally.

Those of you close to me also know of the health issues that have seemingly plagued my family in recent weeks and how it breaks my heart to be at a point where I can do nothing to help. Yes, praying helps and so does buying groceries, taking care of the dog, the house, the little things. But there is physically nothing I can do to fix the fact my dad had a stroke or that my mom is having knee surgery in a week. Or that my grandma had a mini-heart attack in late May.

The one that probably bothers me the most is my dad. We've had a strained relationship for about 10 years now. It's only just getting better. I could pinpoint it and give you the details but it's not any of your business really so I'm not going to.

Most of you know that I have lived with my parents since the divorce was final last November. For the last few months I have been on a waiting list for a place that helps widowed or divorced moms of 2 or more kids with rent and utilities and such. It's a really nice little community just outside Tulsa. I've been questioning God on why I haven't been able to move yet. Why am I still on a waiting list when I know of at least one person who moved in within 3 weeks? I think I finally have an answer to this question.

My dad has been having a lot of problems with his heart. He was really sick with the flu back in February and March and some of his doctors think a virus settled into his heart causing part of it to stop working properly or at all. He's had to undergo stress tests and all kinds of things. He was scheduled to have a heart cath done until a few weeks ago.

A few weeks ago, my dad got bumped on the head with a pipe at work. He then had to have a rush CT which was abnormal and lead to an MRI which ultimately lead to the diagnosis of a stroke ... not caused by the pipe actually. We all were kind of questioning why God would allow him to get hurt like that on top of all the heart problems. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise. The CT and MRI showed abnormalities in the right side of his brain consistent with a stroke. Had he not been bumped on the head and not had the CT and MRI scans that would have been missed.

Here's why that's important. The stroke happened fairly recently, can't really pinpoint the exact date because it wasn't immediately noticed by me or my mom (both of us work in the medical field and are fairly knowledgeable about stroke symptoms). The problem with doing a heart cath after someone has had a stroke, especially one of undetermined time, is that blood thinners are given. Blood thinners would cause more bleeding which could have caused a worse stroke or even death. So, yes, being bumped on the head with a pipe turned into a huge blessing. One we no longer question.

My dad has been off work since the day he got bumped. This is turning out to be interesting. We actually get along better and it's so much fun to see him playing with the boys. I'm not questioning the desire to move anymore really. Yes, it would be really nice to be out and have my own place and be able to paint and what not but that's not really what's important. What's important is that my kids are getting to know "pappaw" and my dad and I are becoming friends instead of just civil acquaintances.

I was driving home earlier this week, well after midnight so it was dark and the stars were out. I had the moon roof open (I'm in my brothers car still ... I need to check my "running out of gas theory" in my truck). Anyway. I was just enjoying the drive home. Windows down. Praise and worship music blaring. Just calm and peaceful. When I finally pulled into the driveway I just sat and watched the stars for a few minutes. Quiet wonder. Who am I to question God's plan for my life? He knows what He has in store for me and my kids and they can only be great things. He knows the desires I have because He put them there. The God who created all those little stars, I couldn't even begin to count the number of, actually cares more about me and my kids than about the placement of those stars. Who am I to question Him and His plan?

So instead of questioning God and what He's doing in my life, I'm going to accept that His plan is best and be thankful. Thankful that He cares enough to make sure I have what I need. Thankful that my family is close by and that I am able to help them for a change. Thankful that the God who creates a masterpiece with each sunrise and sunset cares enough about me to make sure I'm exactly where I need to be.

As far as having roots, I have 2 homes. Oklahoma, where I have established a foundation for myself and my kids and where my immediate family is. Kentucky, where my my extended family and a feeling of belonging are. For now, that's enough. I still have desires to move somewhere else and to be married again and really to do a lot of things. I just no longer question when or if they will happen.

new career

2008-04-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

go visit my website

www.liasophia.com/jenniegarcia

I'm working from home and my kids are no longer in daycare!!!

foundations

2008-03-06T14:03:00.000-08:00

I have done a lot of thinking about relationships in recent months. If you read my other blog site you know this. Having been divorced recently coupled with Valentine's Day having just passed are probably a few contributing factors to my train of thought lately. I'm not sitting here bemoaning the fact I'm divorced. No, it's not something I ever wanted to experience but unfortunately it happened and I'm okay with that. I learned a lot from being married. I learned a lot about what not to do and what to do better or different in the future.

One of the most important things I've learned is to have a firm foundation. There are levels to that though.Before you even consider dating someone really you should have a relationship with God. I'm not talking you go to church every sunday but have to frantically search for your Bible every week because you don't open it outside of Sunday morning services. I'm talking a real relationship with the Father. A relationship where you can't go through the day without talking to Him or reading what He says in His word and applying it to daily life. A relationship where you go to Him at a moments notice instead of calling all of your friends and family to say what things are going on. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to your friends or family I'm just saying that you should talk to God first and not as a last resort.

Another level of foundation happens when you meet someone you might be interested in. There should be a lot of prayer on this part. I personally have a list of characteristics I want in a future husband and I pray that list at least once a day. Let me tell you, there people in my life who match things on my list but it's not my place to make things happen. That's all in God's hands.

One of the biggest lessons I learned was to have a good foundation of friendship. My ex and I didn't have that at all. We had mutual friends who we each had good friendships with the the relationship between us went from non-existent to one of the most permanent kinds in a matter of months. Not something I recommend. Ever.

In a relationship there should be friendship, a mutual respect for each other, and a level of understanding that can only come after a firm foundation has been built. There should also be time for the two of you to share with God together on a daily basis as well as maintaining your individual daily time. We were created for fellowship with the Father first and each other second. Relationships should not take away from your time with God but add to it instead. This is something I think people forget.

I know I have more to add to this but I will have to come back ... my kids are playing demolition derby in the kitchen and I need to go referee!

Valentine's Day

2008-01-22T19:13:00.000-08:00

This is the time of year when you can't walk into a store without practically knocking over the candy display or the flower vases or a whole row of random stuffed animals with hearts and the words 'I love you' blasted across them. This is probably my least favorite time of year.

Valentine's Day is supposed to be a day to celebrate the one you love and the lives you've shared thus far and the plans you have for the future. Tell me then, what are anniversary's? Why must we all be alike and celebrate our loved one on the same day everyone else is celebrating their loved one?

I decided a long time ago that the florists, confectioners, and card writers got together to plan something for this time of year because they were all hitting a slump after the flurry of the holidays. They just couldn't handle the slowing of business so they created this random holiday to get women all eager and excited to see what their loved one has done especially for them and to make men cringe at the thought of what may happen if they forget to do something special.

If Valentine's Day really and truly is a day to celebrate love ... why not celebrate the greatest love of all. The love of our Heavenly Father to send His son to die especially for each one of us. Love isn't about the candy and the flowers and what not. It's about the sacrifice and what you are willing to do for the one you love. God gave his son to die. I can't imagine doing that with either of my kids. I love my friends and all but none of them are truly worth the cost of my kids lives. I guess this is part of what sets God apart from man ... his innate ability to give all for love.

I started my own little tradition last year. I watch The Passion of the Christ on (or close to) Valentine's Day every year as a reminder of what real love is. Yes, it's a little gory and very difficult to watch but think about it this way, Jesus actually went through that the least I can do is watch a very good portrayal of what happened. He died a horrible death so that I may live, the least I can do is celebrate His gift of true love by celebrating Him.

you .... life .... love

2007-11-12T12:45:00.000-08:00

My phone has been oddly silent today. Normally by now I've heard your voice at least once, had a missed call, or a text message saying hi. Nothing is on my phone right now.

I miss you. Way down deep miss you. But it's probably my own doing.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I am a little scared. More cautious, maybe.

Maybe I don't have a lot at stake. I don't have as much to lose as you do because I've lost everything but my kids already. They are my world right now and I'm going to do what it takes to protect them. Yes, that means not allowing myself to fully love you until you decide what you want.

For the record though, if you look at it as losing something, maybe that's the option you really want to choose. I have tried not to pressure you into making a decision. I know that you have to make a very difficult, potentially life-changing decision. I also know that I've been part of the problem rather than the solution. For that, I'm sorry.

There's a lot of things that have to happen, in both of our lives right now. A lot of self-inflicted ultimatums. Goals we've set. Things to do. Lives to live.

This hurts. I don't know if you realize that this hurts me too. Probably for other reasons though. I said or did something to make you question things you thought were somewhat decided. Now, they're no longer even remotely decided.

Let me ask you some things ...
Which one is easier to walk away from?
The chance to have a family or the chance to finish school?
Why is it easier to walk away from?
Does it make you step out of your comfort zone?
Is it just too hard to make things work the other way?
Too many things to figure out?
Are you willing to even try?
Do you have less to lose one way or the other?
Is it easy to let someone else pick up their pieces while you go on seemingly as if nothing ever happened?

If that's the case, you aren't the man I thought you were. The man I fell in love with .... I never asked you to be strong or to feel like you have to carry the weight of everything in your life and mine on your shoulders. That's what it seems like is happening, to a point. You're already a strong person. Stronger than even you realize at times.

Life. Work. School. Stress. Most people would have already had a nervous breakdown if they did even half of what you do on a regular basis.

Yes, you are vulnerable too. You said that yourself. No one likes being vulnerable. People don't wake up and say, "oh, I think I'll go be vulnerable all day" because that's not an emotion we like to deal with. But any time you let yourself truly care about someone you're going to be vulnerable where they are concerned. That's the way life (and love) both work. The only way to avoid vulnerability is to lock yourself up and become a hermit-type person and that's not your personality. You care about people too much to walk away from them forever.

You're accusing me of being scared. Look at yourself. Neither one of us like to just have things up in the air. We both like to have things all nice and planned out. So far this, whatever this is, has wreaked havoc on both of out lives. We both want something we can't have right now. And there are too many reasons why we can't have what we want right now. Too many complications.

I never asked you to make things easy. To take away all the obstacles of life. I just want you to be there. Beside me. So we can go through them together. That's what I want. It's your turn to decide what you want now.

I will leave you alone now because that seems to be what you want. You have the number if you want to talk. Just be warned that I will not have any text messaging conversations with you for a while. They wreak havoc on my sleep and encourage miscommunication because they don't allow for voice inflections and such.

Just keep one thing in mind ... I do love you. Loving you doesn't scare me. It's the not knowing that scares me and allows me to think and imagine the worst. One more question ... Can you truly walk away from me without looking back? With no regret?

thoughts

2007-11-12T08:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I question the people I have around me in life. Are they good, uplifting people? Are they energy drainers? Are they people who I want around me and my kids?

And sometimes I have to take a break from people ... all people ... and figure some things out.

Sometimes when I let people into my life I don't realize they are the ones who will hurt me. And other times the ones I care about the most are the ones I hold at arms length, afraid of getting hurt.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I had a rough night and didn't sleep well. I'm going to do some more thinking and come back to this later.

Variations on Life ....

2007-11-06T17:59:00.000-08:00

I hate trying to figure out life.

Remember the days of old when we would just run around and play and be ourselves? Not answer to anyone but whoever happened to be our guardians of the moment? Not try and figure things out but to just let things happen and "roll with the punches" so to speak?

Back then the punches were Dad not showing up at the game as promised or Mom forgetting to wash a favorite shirt. Favorite cousins canceling plans to show up for Sunday lunch. Things like that. Simple things. Things that matter most. Or should matter most.

The last 12 months have been some of the hardest yet most rewarding months of my life. I've learned so much about the person I truly am versus the person I want to be. I'm not perfect and have no way reached the ideal me. But, I am learning and am getting there. Slowly but surely. I used to look in the mirror and wonder who the heck was staring back at me because my reflection wasn't what I was expecting to see. I didn't recognize the person behind the eyes or the smile. I didn't see any lingering shadows of the person I used to be, only what I had become. I really didn't like the reflection I saw staring back.

I made some changes to my life. Started focusing more on those who are most important to me and dropped a lot of clingy energy drainers. I stopped caring what everyone else thought or wondered and started trying to figure out what I thought about me. It's not an overnight change. There are still times ... more often than I care to admit ... that I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. But now, there are also times where I like who I am becoming. Who I have the potential to be.

Divorce has turned into a strange motivator for me. Someone suggested that I get myself back in shape (after having 2 kids I'm apparently not in shape anymore) and get myself "marketable" again. Yes, "marketable" is the word that was used. Like I'm a can of Coke that's just undergone some great new redesign. This person is no longer in my close circle of friends. However, I did take the advice ... I just redesigned my life and what I want to do. Making it work for me. Rather than redesigning how I look.

The suggestion of getting myself in shape and "marketable" was so I could get another man for my life. That's a valid point. However, if things ever get to where I feel the need to change myself in order to get someone special in my life I sincerely hope someone puts me out of my misery. Truthfully, yes, I would like to have a guy in my life. In a permanent way. Not really rushing that. Trying not to rush that anyway. Sometimes, I get the "old maid" feeling and start to wonder. Most of the time, though, I'm comfortable with where things are ... mostly.

I have 2 awesome kids and whoever I decide to allow into my life (and theirs) will have to understand the entirety of that statement. That I am a package deal with them. Love me AND my kids or don't waste my time. Understand that there is the possibility of being a step-father involved with that and be able to accept EVERYTHING that means. That's a huge responsibility because even though he wouldn't be the biological father of my kids he would still be in a father-type role and need to be a good role model for my boys. I also want to have more kids and he would need to be really open to that idea. And would need to be able to love ALL of the kids the same ... unconditionally.

All that being said, I do have a basic, very general, idea of what I want in the future. For now though, I'm working on becoming the best me I can be.

Priorities

2007-11-05T17:28:00.000-08:00

I was totally and completely put to shame in the last couple of weeks. Then I realized that my priorities have seriously changed in the last few years. Here's what happened.

In recent weeks I have made a lot of changes to my life. I have a new job. The boys and I are living with my parents until things can be figured out so my physical location has changed. I've also started being more domestic and discovered I really like being domestic. It's nice, really nice actually, to be able to cook and clean and be home with my boys. My job only requires 3 days a week so I'm home for 4 days.

I've met some of my parents neighbors and friends and such. It's a good neighborhood and the people are nice. The church is almost literally across the street from their house and the people who attend there are excellent as well. Overall the changes have been good.

One of the people I've met is the brother in low of one of my mom's friends. He's 28 and super nice but I don't know his story so that's about it. My mom is trying to set him up with my brothers wife's sister ... if that makes sense. Anyway. He has this truck that is impeccably clean and super shiny. It puts me to shame. Seriously. I used to keep my truck that nice. I used to spend every Saturday, or most every Saturday, cleaning and vacuuming and wiping it down and making sure the oils was changed and the fluids were up and all that.

Then I had kids.

Now my truck is lucky if it gets to the car wash every 6 months or so and I don't even remember the last time I vacuumed it out. It's way overdue for an oil change and there's a giant crack across the front window. Things that would have never been allowed are now being allowed because my time has become something I cherish. I decided that what I do with my time is my choice so I should also cherish what I do with it. Now, my truck is not neglected but it's probably borderline. :) The main thing right now, and forever will be, that my kids are not neglected and if I ever get remarried my husband will not be neglected. Family is so much more important than things. Things you can replace, people you can't. That's what really matters.

I read a book once where the main character was having trouble deciding between his life of fame and fortune or the life where he was doing the things he truly loved and spending life with the people who were most important to him. In the book one of his closest friends, someone who knew him before the fame and fortune, suggested that he take a weekend and go to a remote place somewhere. While there, take the time to make a list of what is most important to him and then spend the rest of his life going after the things on that list.

That's my suggestion now to my friends who are searching for what they really truly want out of life. Make a list and then spend your life going after it. If your list includes words such as "happiness" write down what "happiness" looks like. If there is someone in your life who cannot imagine life without, do something about it. Don't let it just sit there and whither away.Close your eyes and allow yourself to dream. What do imagine in the future? In 5 years? In 10 years? Where do you see yourself? Are you truly going after what you want or what someone else wants for you? If not, take time to discover what you truly want and then go after it. You only live once, make it worth it.

What does the word love mean to you?

2007-10-30T18:14:00.000-07:00

Again with the copying a word from the dictionary but love is one of those words that is so overused it's true meaning has been lost from being spread so thin throughout all the things we make it to mean ... as is exhibited below.

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source - Share This
love [luhv] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
noun, verb, loved, lov·ing. –noun

1.	a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.	a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3.	sexual passion or desire.

4.	a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

5.	(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?

6.	a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.

7.	sexual intercourse; copulation.

8.	(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.

9.	affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.

10.	strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.

11.	the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

12.	the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.

13.	Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.

14.	a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.

–verb (used with object)

15.	to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.

16.	to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).

17.	to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.

18.	to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.

19.	to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.

20.	to have sexual intercourse with.

–verb (used without object)

21.	to have love or affection for another person; be in love.

—Verb phrase

22.	love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets.

—Idioms

23.

for love,

a.	out of affection or liking; for pleasure.

b.	without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.

24.	for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.

25.	in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.

26.	in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.

27.

make love,

a.	to embrace and kiss as lovers.

b.	to engage in sexual activity.

28.	no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.

So really, what does the word love mean to you? When posed with this question people automatically assume the position of a person in love with another person and go into detail on what it means to truly love someone. This tells me that we, as a population, still use the word love in reference to people rather than things or ideas.

There are so many ways to explain love that it's interesting to ask this question of people, random people, of all different ages, sex, and backgrounds. Even so, 99.9% of the time, when asked this question people will answer more with how to show someone you love them as opposed to what the word love means.

That's what I did recently. I sent a text message to my friends asking, "what does the word love mean to you?". I received one response saying that the answer is too long for a text message so I'll get an email later about it. Then I received a phone call. After talking for a few minutes this person asked me what it means to me. I rattled off my litany of things, basically saying that the word love means being there for someone, WANTING to be there, to WANT to pick up their nasty socks and do their laundry, or wake them up with breakfast. Things like that. I was appalled to see that I, like most people asked, had failed to truly answer the question that I had asked initially. I listed ways to show someone you love them rather than what love means. For the record, I agree with what my friend said. Love is giving of yourself wholly and completely to someone else .... and then our conversation ended so he could order some food. Looking at that statement though, I see that is also a way to SHOW someone you love them as opposed to what love means, or what love is.

If you've read any of my previous posts you know that I hold strong to the fact that love is a verb, an action to be done. According to the dictionary, love is also a noun, meaning sometimes there is no action used to define the word love. This is the part I struggle with. I'm the kind of person who wants to SHOW how much I love someone and not just say the words, "I love you" to someone. I want to be there when things are awesome and fun but also when things aren't going good. To be the one waking up early to cook breakfast and surprise someone with breakfast in bed just because I can. To just sit by the fireplace and not have to say anything but cuddle and watch the flames. But also to be there in every sense, not just physically but emotionally, mentally, verbally ... all of it. To love, you have to be able to give of yourself in every area without holding back. And again, that's a definition of love in a "verb" sense not a "noun" sense. This is what I'm good at.

Maybe though, in order to truly love someone totally and completely you have to be good at the noun AND the verb definitions of love. If that's the case I am truly lacking. So, what does that mean? Does it mean that I'm doomed to a life of failed relationships or that I will always want something I can't have because I don't fully understand what it means? That I can only halfway love someone so I won't ever be able to truly love someone? If that's the case then does that mean that I am unlovable in a truly, complete sense because I don't understand half of how that person loves me? This are the questions that plague my mind sometimes. If I allow myself to think about this too much I eventually start wondering if I'm even really worth having someone waste time in loving me if I can't truly love them in every meaning of the word. The thing is though, that I love the best ways I know how and I keep learning and growing in what it means to love and be loved in return.

There are so many definitions to the word love that to sit here and comment on all of them would take WAY too long. That being said, in general I believe the word love is an action. If you're going to tell someone you love them back it up with an action. Everyone has heard the saying, "actions speak louder than words" and the reason this is true is that most people listen but don't hear so if you put an action behind your words people are more likely to not only comprehend what you are saying but to also trust you the next time you say something without necessarily doing something to show it.

Trust. There's something else that goes along with love. You have to trust the person you say you love but also you have to trust yourself to know what you're feeling and wanting. You can't just do something because it seems to be the next logical step if it doesn't sit right with you. Like, you're not going to go off and marry the person you're dating because it's the next step on the list of things to do unless you truly want to marry that person. Just like you shouldn't tell someone you love them unless you mean it with everything in you.

Relationships ....

2007-10-08T22:26:00.000-07:00

re·la·tion·ship (rĭ-lā'shən-shĭp') Pronunciation Key
n.

The condition or fact of being related; connection or association.
Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.
A particular type of connection existing between people related to or having dealings with each other: has a close relationship with his siblings.
A romantic or sexual involvement.

Relationships are something that's been on my mind quite a bit recently, for obvious reasons. There are so many dynamics used to describe that word and they are all true. There's friendship which can be broken into: best friends, close friends, acquaintances (although acquaintances are kind of their own little group), work friends, church friends, school friends, new friends, long-lost friends. Then add to those the dynamic of a significant other and the definition of relationship changes into: casual dating, dating (where you're monogamous with your bf or gf), dating with intent but not quite engaged, engaged, marriage, and unfortunately divorce. And the of course you can't forget the familial relationships that exist: dad-mom, mom-dad, parents-kids, kids-parents, one family unit (mom, dad, kids)-whole family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.). Step-families are there too with extra people, concerns, and complications.

I have a friend (yes of the male persuasion) who I would venture to say is a best friend but at the very least a close friend. I tell him everything without fear or regret that I've said too much. I do think too much and sometimes talk myself in circles but he loves me for it anyway! I have nothing to hide from him. If I was to truly classify our relationship I would say somewhere between friends and dating. More than friends but not quite dating. We have a good foundation of friendship that we are constantly building on and making stronger but it seems we've sort of taken those first few steps towards a dating relationship, but not technically or officially so not quite. This is where I can get into trouble. Sometimes, I consider us dating because it really seems as though he is my boyfriend (oh no, that dreaded word again!) ... though I don't know if I've ever told him that (I guess he knows now if he's reading this!). Circumstances and situational complications prevent us from being more than friends but the desire is there, yes, from both sides. I'm not in this on my own here. That's why it's a relationship ... it's between two people.

More on love ....

2007-09-28T05:41:00.000-07:00

So, I posed the following question to my friends ...

"What does it mean to you when someone says they love you?"

and thought I'd share their answers ...

*I think it means they like you being around because they're getting something they like from your company. I don't think it has anything to do with how they feel about you, I think it's how they feel because of you. Once that's gone, so are they. That's just my opinion. ~Amanda

*There can be no love without commitment. The level of commitment shows the degree of love. ~Betsy

*He would always be here for me and take care of me. When I say "I love you", I mean that I am invested and truly care about you. ~Amy

*Personally I think it means that that person will always be there for you and you can depend on them for anything...no matter what. That person knows your soul and feels what you feel. ~Jennifer

chapters

2007-09-15T10:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like your life is over? I mean really and truly, living day to day on autopilot? Sometimes I feel that way and then I start thinking and remember something very important. This chapter may have ended but that doesn't mean the book did too! Isn't that exciting?! So what if a chapter ends. It's really not the end of the world. Take a bit to reflect on what you've learned in this chapter and on the person you've become. Make changes accordingly and head into the next chapter of life feet first ... ready to take on whatever is thrown at you and to come out stronger in the end.

Sometimes words just aren't enough ...

2007-09-14T12:00:00.001-07:00

What does "love" mean to you? To me, love is more than just a word rattled off the tongue at the end of a conversation. More than just something to say when you're in trouble or can't really think of a good answer for something.

Love is showing support. Being there no matter what the circumstances. Being understanding, especially in difficult situations. Wanting to give of yourself, wholly and completely, to the other person.

Love is an action.

It's one thing to say you love someone and another to show them just what you mean when you say you love them.

I'm not talking about giving flowers or sports tickets or various token gifts that just about anyone will give or receive. Chocolate. Teddy Bears. Season pass to the Yankees games.

I'm talking about the little things. Waking up on a random morning and cooking breakfast. Showing up at your significant others place and cleaning their kitchen or starting their laundry. Or even starting a warm bubble bath for them if you know it's been a rough day at the office. Show up with the "Back to the Future" trilogy and proclaim the weekend a "work free" weekend.

Don't just say you support your significant other. Show them you do. Sit down one day and ask questions about them and their job ... And actually be interested in what they say!! Make the effort to be at events that are important to them.

If something happens and you don't know what to do ... just be available. Sometimes the only thing that needs to be given is the "gift of presence". Just by being there during a difficult time or a rough situation you show that person that you truly care. Offering a hug or a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen is sometimes all that needs to be done.

And sometimes just saying, "I love you" really is enough.

Aroma and Arousal .... interesting stuff

2007-08-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

*source* www.health.msn.com

Aroma and Arousal

By Scott McCredie for MSN Health & Fitness

Freelance

You come home after a long day of work to find dinner prepared and your partner sitting at the table with a sly grin. The meal is like none you’ve ever had.

First course: cheese pizza, warm and gooey but kinda bland. That’s followed by a bowl of buttered microwave popcorn. Revenge for something you said? Then, a weird dessert: pumpkin pie smothered with lavender ice cream.

“Honey,” you finally ask, “is everything okay?”

Odd Food Smells and Libido

Pumpkin pie and lavender, and other food smells like doughnuts and licorice, don’t seem like the kinds of odors men would find sexually stimulating. Yet for several years, these allegedly potent odors have appeared in media stories about male aphrodisiacs, garnering wide-eyed looks and more than a few guffaws.

The odors from the above-mentioned foods were the most sexually tantalizing of those tested in a study carried out in the late 1990s by Dr. Alan R. Hirsch, who directs the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago.

Among all the odors tested, the combination of pumpkin pie and lavender produced the greatest increase in arousal (a 40 percent increase in penile blood flow).

The next most arousing odors were a mix of cinnamon buns, doughnuts and licorice; pumpkin pie and doughnuts; orange; and lavender and doughnuts. Other stimulating aromas were buttered popcorn and cheese pizza. About what you’d expect to smell in a frat house rec room the morning after a big party.

Sexual Scents: Fantasy?

Brown University psychologist Rachel Herz, who has made a career investigating the science of scent, laughs a little derisively when asked about the Hirsch study.

“There’s nothing inherent about the scent of any particular food that makes it sexual or arousing,” says Herz, author of the upcoming book The Scent of Desire: Discovering Our Enigmatic Sense of Smell (Harper Collins, October 2007). “There’s nothing inherent about any odor to make you do anything. It’s all a function of how you’ve acquired the meaning of that smell.”

And the meaning of pumpkin pie’s odor to these 30 men?

“How odor comes to have meaning to the person is through their past experiences with it,” she says. “So without ever having smelled pumpkin pie before, it’s not going to do anything for you. But if your first sexual experience was at Thanksgiving under the dessert table, then that scent may become associated with it. In the future, when you smell pumpkin pie, you are brought back to that time and place in a very instant and visceral way, and may experience sexual arousal.”

A study Herz directed at Brown, published in the International Journal of Comparative Psychology, proved the validity of this idea with several experiments. One involved 30 women playing a computer game. Permeating the air was a novel odor concocted from buttered popcorn, dirt, and rain. The more satisfying it was for a woman to play the game, the more likely it was for her to rate the odor as pleasant. Other experiments showed a similar trend.

Smell and Emotion

Why is it that smells can be so evocative and, in some cases, sexually stimulating? The answer has to do with human physiology and psychology.

Among the senses, smell is different from the other four primary senses because it is connected to the part of the brain responsible for emotions and memory. In fact, according to Herz, the olfactory cortex—the part of the brain where smells are processed—was the site from which “the parts of the brain that are responsible for emotional processing, associative learning, basic memory and motivation—the collective structures of the limbic system—evolved from. In other words, the ability to experience and express emotion grew directly out of our brain’s ability to process smell.”

Herz believes the link between emotion and smell is so strong that they’re “functionally the same.” One result of this connection is that once a smell is associated with an emotion or memory, it tends to remain there for a long time. If you come across that odor again, your brain makes the association so quickly that you don’t have to even think about it. It’s almost a reflex.

And first impressions count. Herz says she likes the odor of skunk because she has positive memories associated with her first encounter with the perfume of a skunk: riding in a car through the country on a lovely summer day with her mother. Another example comes from a woman Herz knows who told her she hated the smell of roses because the first time she had smelled them was at her mother’s funeral.

The role of scent in creating memories was demonstrated in an unusual German study published in Science earlier this year. Scientists had subjects play a computerized game in which they memorized the location of playing card pairs. Once a pair’s location was learned, the subjects received a waft of a strong rose scent. Later, when the subjects went to sleep (a time when the brain processes things it has recently learned), the rose scents were again administered. The next day, the rose-scented sleepers performed an average of 11 percentage points better on memory tests of card pair locations. “By presenting the rose odor cues we … enhanced the transfer of these memories into the neocortex,” neuroscientist Jan Born, one of the study’s co-authors, told The New York Times.

Men: Pavlovian Dogs?

Herz says she knows of no scientifically credible research that has looked at specific odors that provoke male sexual response. She ascribes the dearth of scientific research into odors and desire to the fact that there is not enough commercial interest.

“From the point of view of the marketplace, what’s really more of a moneymaker is a fragrance that will make women sexually aroused and interested in men,” she says. “It’s somewhat culturally taken for granted that men are always sexually aroused. The harder part is getting women to be.”

But Hirsch believes that Herz is being unfair to his study and too simplistic in her analysis of why an odor can be sexually arousing. He says his study (which Herz admits she hasn’t seen) is scientifically valid. It was randomized, controlled, and peer-reviewed before being published in three different journals, including the Journal of Neurological and Orthopaedic Medicine and Surgery.

“Sexual arousal is inhibited by all sorts of different things,” Hirsch explains. “By inhibiting those inhibitors [with odors], you can induce sexual arousal. It doesn’t have to be a direct affect.”

He offers several other possible reasons why these food odors increased sexual arousal.

“It could have induced a Pavlovian conditioned response, making men recall their girlfriends and wives,” he says. Or they could have stimulated a part of the brain called the RAS (Reticular Activating System), increasing the men’s alertness and their awareness of sexual cues around them. Odors could also have acted directly on another part of the brain, the septal nucleus, which controls a male’s erection. “There’s a direct anatomic connection between the olfactory bulb at the top of the nose and the septal nucleus. So anatomically it makes some sense.”

The biggest challenge in interpreting the results of his study, Hirsch says, was to find a hypothesis that might explain why food odors were always sexually stimulating to males, when items such as perfume were not. “The best theory we could come up with,” he says, “was evolutionary. That in our distant past our ancestors would congregate at a point of food kill. That’s where they would have had the greatest chance of finding a mate and having successful procreation. So there may have been a selective advantage to have increased penile blood flow in response to the smell of food.”

Sniffing Out What Works for You

Although plenty of potentially arousing scent elixirs exist for men, the trouble is finding the ones that appeal to an individual. It’s a daunting task because the average human nose is capable of distinguishing between 10,000 to 40,000 different odors.

If no universal aroma aphrodisiac can exist, how does one go about finding effective scent triggers?

“I don’t know, other than retrospective self-analysis,” Herz says with a laugh. “You can think of a past sexual experience, or a lover who had a particular fragrance you found exciting, or be aware when you come across an odor you find arousing.”
Another way to discover what odors pique your carnal interests, as well as those of your sweetie, would be to pull on your lab coat, grab some test tubes, and start experimenting. If that doesn’t sound romantic enough, try heading to the bedroom with an armful of fruits, vegetables, candies, cakes and liquors—and anything else you might care to sniff, nibble, or rub.

Life

2007-08-10T10:06:00.001-07:00

I'm sad. You haven't even truly left yet but it feels like you're already gone. I swore that I'd never cry over you, yet that's exactly what happened. I walked away, and in doing so, broke my own heart. That's what stinks. I knew from the beginning it could never be and that was okay. But I followed my heart into unexpected places and allowed myself to feel things and to want things with you that I shouldn't have. I shouldn't feel like I've been ripped in two, like a piece of me was just there but is now gone. I know it's complicated but I also know that you're feeling this same way. And now decisions have to be made. Serious. Life altering decisions. I know that what we had may never be repeated in this lifetime. As much as I hate it, I understand it. I just want you to know a few things. I will always remember your smell. How I could just breathe you in and be instantaneously relaxed. I will forever recognize the sound of your voice, no matter how much time falls in between. I will always miss your hugs the most and how it feels to be wrapped in your arms. No matter what happens from here on out, I want to be the one you call when you need to talk. When life gets hectic and you need to vent or when you just want to say hello, I'll be here.

ranting!

2007-07-24T21:37:00.001-07:00

AHH!

I don't even know where to start but I'm really frustrated at the moment. I may add more to this later but I'm going to go cry for right now.

I don't get it

2007-07-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

I don't get how someone can allow their young child to be out in the middle of the night. To be drinking. To be with people roughly the same age and not much old with no adult supervision. To be with people who are going to end up dead beside her. To be with people who are going to cause bodily harm that could potentially be fatal ... closer to being fatal than not. Do people not care about their kids anymore? Enough to know who their friends are? Enough to know where they are and who they're with? To know what they are doing?

In case you couldn't tell I had a somewhat rough night last night. Working in the medical field I can't give you details because that is a breach of confidentiality and all that. So, suffice it to say that after work last night ... this morning rather ... I really started questioning the parental abilities of those with children. Including my own. I'm not a bad mom ... I have my days, like any parent, where I really wonder why I had kids so young or how I'm going to handle them as they get older but I'm not a bad parent. I'm not saying that people with kids are bad parents necessarily just that maybe they really don't care. Maybe they truly think their child was a mistake and therefore should be treated like one. Maybe they see their child as a friend and confidante who should be allowed to do whatever they do rather than as someone who needs direction and discipline. All I know is that there is a very seriously injured child. who may or may not still be alive, who lost some friends last night, who needs to be loved.

Loving your kids doesn't mean you give them everything they want when they want it. Instead, you should teach them how to be a good responsible adult by laying down rules and guidelines to be followed throughout childhood and to be adjusted as necessary ... as the child matures so should the rules and guidelines mature to match that responsibility.

Admittedly, it's very difficult to find rules that work. No matter the age of the child. The rules I have for my kids are constantly changing as they change. They learn a rule and learn it to the point it's followed automatically and I don't have to keep harping on it. Then I get to adjust the rule to allow some leeway for them as they grow. I'm still working on it and this will forever be a work in progress. But I will never allow my children to hang out in the middle of the night ... even if I know who they're with... while they can still be called a child or while they still live under my roof. I will never allow them to spend time with people I haven't met. I will do my best to know the families my kids friends come from and I will do my best to raise my kids to be decent people, responsible adults, who know the difference from right and wrong.

Letter to a friend ....

2007-07-20T00:56:00.001-07:00

So I realized a while ago that I was still holding on to you. Not necessarily you but maybe more what we had together at one point. You and I had the best relationship I've ever been and admittedly there were several years where I truly thought it would always be you and together. I know that's silly but it's the truth. I also realized that neither of us are in the same places we were in 5 or more years ago and that we have both grown up and gone on with life. Yes, at one point I was hoping that once the divorce thing settles down and I've had some time to figure out things that we could hang out. No expectations other than to be friends the way we used to be. I also realize that nothing will ever truly be as it was. Things have changed a lot, for both of us. And even though you and I don't really talk anymore, I want you to know some things. You are the only person I've ever cared about in that way and for that reason you will always be a great memory, no matter what life has in store. I also want you to be happy. I looked at your page today for the first time in a while and was going to comment but decided to message instead when I saw the pictures of you with the blonde girl. I noticed something in those pictures. You look really and truly very happy. I don't know the story of whether you're dating or whatever but the happiness you portray shows deeper than just your smile. It's in your eyes too. It's been a while since I've seen you eyes shine with happiness in that way and it makes me happy for you. Know that I still love and care about you, albeit not in the same way anymore, and I hope you still consider me a friend and will say hey every once in a while.

Jenn

What do you do when ....

2007-07-19T17:36:00.000-07:00

You pick up your 3 year old, very rambunctious, son from daycare and are greeted with the words, "he broke another kids brand new glasses today" and if that's not enough you also hear "he also bit a kid yesterday and another one today"? That's what happened to me this week.

Ethan is such a great kid. He's 3. I've never had problems with him biting or hitting much less purposely breaking another kids glasses. This is so completely out of character for him. He's a good kid. Yes, he's a boy and yes he's 3 but really he's a great kid. And I'm not just saying that.

I have a couple theories and, truthfully, it's probably a combination of them. One is that he's figured out that things are changing at home and doesn't know what exactly is happening but that things are starting to be different. Chris hasn't moved yet and won't until later this summer but the "air" around the apartment is different. Another theory is that he's been in pain and doesn't know how to deal with it properly. He has been limping. This is the reason he's had Xrays and blood work and now we're waiting on MRI results. To find out what's going on. He will tell me where he's hurting if I ask but he doesn't normally volunteer that information. The third theory that I've come up with recently is in relation to my first one. I'm thinking he's not getting enough one on one attention at home. Not enough stimulation and that he's sometimes treated younger than he is because Zech is still a baby compared to Ethan and sometimes I treat Ethan like a baby. I'm wondering if it's attention getting but even so that just doesn't sound like something he would do. It's kind of like when you have a kid who's to bright for his current class and finishes all of his work early and starts disturbing everything else and eventually needs to be moved up a class. Those are my current theories and, like I said, it's probably a combination of them all.

So, when I was greeted with this information earlier this week, I made the decision that he will not be back to daycare this week. That he would get some one on one time with Mommy and that I would talk to him and get his version of what happened. When I asked him why he broke someone's glasses he said it's because he was hurting. When I asked him where he pointed to his left knee ... so maybe he really doesn't know how to deal with pain. On the biting, he kept saying that another kid hit him. (He said the name of the kid but I'm not going to mention that here.) I get the lovely joy of talking to daycare and explain what information Ethan gave me. And yes, even though he's only 3, I believe him. He doesn't normally name people and say they've hit him. He knows right from wrong and I've heard him tell other people "no fighting" or "no hitting" so he knows the rules. I just wonder exactly how close attention the teacher was paying to the whole situation.

I cried

2007-07-19T17:29:00.000-07:00

Really hard.
For a REALLY long time.
And finally, I let go.
Said goodbye to something or someone.
I'm not sure.
I didn't realize I was still holding on.
More, I said goodbye to the way things used to be.
Accepting that things are going to be different.
We all grow up and we all move on with our lives.
And sometimes, the things we want so much are the things we get.
Other times, the opposite is true.
Or we get what we thought we wanted.
Only find out that what we really want is right in front of us.
Staring into our eyes, and we never even saw it until it was too late.

Life is good ...

2007-07-14T22:01:00.000-07:00

I have a great life. I don't always live by that phrase each moment because, as everyone knows, we all have our down days. Overall, my life experience has been exceptional. I have made decisions recently that, while disappointing to others, are incredibly liberating to me. I will have more decisions to make as more aspects of life are affected and I'm okay with that. I know the general direction I want life to go and that's all I need. Yes, it would be incredible if life was defined. Completely laid out in some giant, complex yet readable blueprint but that would be too easy. I'm okay with the undefined.

Life

2007-07-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

I hate this. It's midnight and I should be sleeping but my brain is working so sleep is alluding me at the moment. It doesn't help that I received emails from my mom telling me how selfish and self-centered I'm being by going ahead with a divorce from a man I don't love. Telling me that she's been there and regrets the entire time she was divorced ... failing to mention that it was fulfilling enough that she's been divorced twice from the same man. I know she means well but this is my life, not hers.

I wish I could just talk straight to her sometimes instead of being afraid of her wrath. Want to know what I would tell her? That I know it won't be easy and if I was looking for the easy way out of life I wouldn't be choosing this path. That I know exactly what I'm putting my kids through because I've been there. I learned from her divorces as well. I learned not to let the neighbors raise my kids because I work an hour away from home. I became addicted to vodka @ 14 and I don't think my mom ever even knew. Like I'm going to let that happen to my kids. Not to go gallivanting around or sleeping with every man I meet just because I can. There is no one more important to me than my kids and if I end up being single for the rest of my life, then so be it. Not to forget that I have kids because hell, God only knows there was about a year and half where I don't think she remembered my brother or I existed. I learned the hard way too. I will never let my kids go a day without them knowing how much I love them. I won't ever let them go a day without spending quality time with them, no matter how long or short that moment may be.

I don't hate her I really don't. I just hate being the disappointment of the family ... or at least being made to feel that that's all I am to her.

Chris is a great guy. He really is. He's a great cook. The boys love spending time with him and wrestling around and just being boys with him. He has stuff he needs to work on but, truthfully, who doesn't? There is nothing wrong with him as a person. Honestly. I don't love him. That's it. And I refuse to remain married to someone I don't love. For various reasons. The main one being, he deserves the chance to be with someone who loves him the way he should be loved. I can't do that. I've tried. It's just not there for me. You can't make yourself learn to love someone if your heart isn't in it.

I just want to be happy. I don't think that's such a horrible thing but apparently to some people it is. Because by making decisions that make me happy I'm being selfish and destroying a good thing. Without taking into consideration that that good thing was a lie from the beginning and as such could not be considered good. Isn't it possible that I and my kids can all be happy? At the same time? Or is that too much to ask?

Comparisons

2007-07-11T14:19:00.000-07:00

I hate being compared. Most of my life I've been trying to just be myself but as soon as people find out who my mom is and that I can also play the piano and sing they start comparing me to her. In fact, there was one point where an interim youth minister's wife told me that I shouldn't bother to play unless I could play like my mom and that I should strive to be more like her. I haven't really touched a piano since. I still sing at the top of my voice when no one is listening or when I can turn the music up louder than I can sing. It stinks. Why would someone want to stifle the dream of someone else? Who cares if I can't play piano like my mom? You know why I don't play piano like her? It's because she can play by hear and has near perfect pitch ... I struggle in that area. I need the sheet music or at least chords and a few days to sit down and really focus on it. I can't just sit down and pick up in the middle of something right in key. So what if I'm not her. Why isn't being me good enough?

Probably wondering where this is all coming from. Recently, my brother got married to a very sweet girl. She's a doll. Well, about a month ago my mom and I were talking and my mom starts comparing me to my brother and his then fiance. Telling me that they did things right and that I could learn so much from them. That she is really good at this, this, and this and maybe I should sit down and talk with her so I could learn how to be better at those things as well.

I love my new sister-in-law. I have nothing against her at all but this conversation with my mom made me think. I have never been good enough. For anyone. For that reason alone, I think, I don't truly know who I am or who I want to be because I've spent a good majority of my life trying to be like my mom or like everyone else. Being who everyone tells me I should be. It's exhausting.

This weekend, after my brother's wedding was over, we were all outside talking and I made a comment about not really wanting to be a nurse. Well, my grandma started in with, "what do you have against nurses?". Truthfully, I have nothing against nurses. I currently work in the medical field and have an even greater respect for them than I did before which is saying a lot because I grew up with 10 or more nurses in my family. I have always respected nurses. Then someone said something to the effect that it's in my blood to be a nurse. It may be in my blood but it's not in my heart. I realize that nursing is something that makes awesome money and would pay the bills and then some. But I also see that my mom, as a nurse, works her butt off on a regular basis. I have nothing against hard work if it's something I truly want to be doing but nursing would just be something to do. Not something I want to do.

I want to write. Rather, I'd really like to find a publisher for the things I have written and go that direction. I also would like to put out my own Christmas and Praise & Worship CD's. Jazz up Silent Night and that kind of thing. But that's not something that's respectable enough.

I'm tired of changing things around because of how disappointed or upset other people would be. I didn't get married when I was 19 because I would have literally been kicked out of the family. He wasn't like my family ... he was a different color. Maybe not getting married at 19 was okay after all though. Stink. I'm 26 and almost divorced and that's bad enough. I've disappointed WAY too many people with that decision but that's the decision that's making me the happiest I've been in a while.

I know that it's going to be tough ... I know that better than some may realize. I remember when I was 14 and my parents went through their first divorce. I learned exactly what not to do. I learned not to let the neighbors raise my kids because I work 1 hour away from home. I learned to be more involved in their lives and not to spend my days out gallivanting around with any and every man I meet. I know there are people out there who have only their best interests in mind and those of me or my kids and those are the people I will not allow in my life. I have recently tightened the ranks of those friends closest to me. There are some people, even now, who will no longer be a part of my life because they don't understand that my kids are everything to me. I want my kids to know me as a happy person. Chris and I decided we would rather the kids see us apart and happy as opposed to together and miserable. I think that's an okay decision.

I get asked a lot what I want most out of life. My answer is always the same. To be happy and to provide the happiest childhood for my kids that they could ever imagine. That doesn't mean everything will be handed to them on a silver platter but they will have things they want and be able to do things they want. I will teach them that happiness, true happiness, is from the inside out. When you are truly happy with who you are in Christ and as a person that happiness flows over to everything else. This is what I am striving for.

papers & guys

2007-07-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

So the divorce papers arrived via snail mail today. Truth be told though, they were just mailed on Tuesday and today's Thursday so with yesterday being a holiday the mail wasn't very snail-like. Anyway. We are officially fine tuning the details that will define a huge portion of the rest of our lives. For the most part, everything in the papers is correct but there are minor details to change. Things like making sure the overly legalesed sentence regarding custody actually means joint custody. Minor details. There's actually one clause in the decree that I totally am 100% okay with. It states (in laymans terms of course) that basically, if I'm involved with someone romantically but not married to him that he cannot spend the night if the children are present also ... same goes for Chris.

On the flipside ... there's this guy. He's great. He's an excellent friend and truthfully we were friends years ago. We went to a school together. Anyway. He's visiting home for a bit and we've hung out some and kind of renewed our friendship from years past. Hanging out and spending time with him has brought up some emotions and feelings that I haven't had in a VERY long time ... if ever. It's completely unexpected and so completely not possible right now. Even if I was already divorced, I need time to figure out things ... like life with me and my boys. Besides ... he's 110% unattainable. I know you're going to say that he's not or whatever but trust me ... he is. I will not divulge any information regarding him .... no name, age, description ... nothing. So please don't ask. Suffice it to say that he's a great guy. One of the best. I don't want to screw up another guy so even if it were possible ... well, we'll just see what happens.

Night crawlers & Storms

2007-06-20T09:09:00.001-07:00

It's been a while and I have the best story to tell so here you go!

K, so a while ago I posted a story about Ethan yelling, "SNAKE!" as we walked out the door one morning. It turned out to be a night crawler. One that has been seen off and on since that day but not recently. Really, it's been about 2 maybe 3 weeks since he's actually been spotted and every time Ethan will yell, "SNAKE!" with the exception that I don't immediately jump out of my skin anymore.

Well, if you've been to my apartment you know that the complex was built in about the 60's or 70's ... I had to sign a lead paint release if that tells you anything. So, being as how the structures are old the wooden door tends to swell on muggy days. Most wood does swell just not this bad. We're talking it will end up sitting crooked in the door frame and I'll have to use both hands just to turn the lock to lock the door and forget trying to use a key to lock or unlock it from the outside.

That being said. We've had a lot of rain recently and temperatures being the 80's and 90's mostly makes for REALLY muggy days. Last night one of the worst storms of the last few weeks went through. The scroll on the TV said "deadly lightning" and I haven't seen that come across the screen in a while. I was up most of the night ... mainly because of the storm but also because the loud cracks of thunder coupled with the vicious lightning kept waking up the boys. So, I lost out on sleep. No biggie. It's not the first time an dI seriously doubt it will be the last ... I have to teach my kids to sleep past 6am. I'm so not a morning person.

Even with all of that going on through the night I'm sitting here wide awake because I realized sometime in the midst of all the chaos from the night that Chris' parents and brother are coming in this weekend. Saturday morning to be exact. And I have to clean ..... like, REALLY clean. Not that my apartment is a huge mess but because I haven't been feeling well things have literally just been tossed wherever they fall and left there. Okay, it's a disaster area. So, I've been cleaning.

I cleaned one of the bathrooms and the boys room and am currently taking a little break from cleaning the living room in order to write this diatribe. It's almost 11am and I'm thinking breakfast sounds good. Maybe I'll cook something in a bit. Back to my story. I'm going around the living room with a little basket that was given to one of the boys on some Easter a year or 2 ago. I'm putting all the little toys I find in the living room into my basket and the bigger ones get put into a pile so they are centralized and I can jsut move everything into the boys room at once. Simple enough. Well, Zech has this little Zoo Train that's totally adorable. You've probably seen the commercials for it. The little red engine that play music and carries a giraffe while a dozen other animals sit about the room on the the floor or in various other little train cars. It's cute. The engine to this train was in the living room and as I pick it up I notice what looks like a piece of brown yarn and I'm wondering where that's come from since the crocheting I'm currently working on is purple and green. I figure it's probably something from one of Ethan's art pieces from daycare because they do stuff with yarn a lot. Then it moves! Yup. That's right. The piece of brown yarn moves. I didn't scream ... almost because it seriously scared me. Ethan's "snake" is back. I had forgotten how slimy night crawlers can be until I picked it up and threw it outside. I had to actually pick it up about 4 times before I could hold it long enough to unlock my door that was of course stuck because of the storm that came through last night. Well, it's out of my apartment, for now.

Having 2 boys I figured I'd have lots of frogs and turtles and worms and probably even snakes come through but I never figured I have any of those come through without one of the boys bringing it in!

That's my day so far. How's yours?

the day after Mother's Day

2007-05-18T11:25:00.000-07:00

K, so I worked 13 hours yesterday and it was very cool. The girls were all very nice and easy to get along with as was the staff. One really great thing about working with an agency is getting daily pay. So that means that I worked yesterday and got paid today for it (since they were closed yesterday). It's great.

I was up around 7 to get the boys ready for daycare. Chris left to drop them off and go to work about 730 and I was able to kind of take my time getting ready. I left about 8 maybe 820 to go get my paycheck. I went to the bank and to Babies R Us for diapers and pullups and wipes and other random baby needs for home and the daycare. I got all the way to the day care before I realized I'd forgotten the bag that had wipes in it. This was about 10ish. Fortunately, I don't have to provide wipes to the daycare so it wasn't a big deal. I was supposed to meet Chris for his lunch break that started @ 1115 so on my way to Cox to meet him I hit Babies R Us to pick up the forgotten items. Then headed to lunch with Chris ... I got home about 1230 or so, realized I had forgotten to give Chris the things he'd needed so ... yeah. A forgetful couple of hours there. I took a shower and a nap and headed to the gym by way of Cox. I left what Chris needed and proceeded to my 3pm tanning appointment. This is where is gets fun. I walked into the gym, scanned my card, hit the locker room, did 20 minutes of cardio on the elliptical machine and then headed towards the desk to get the tanning thingy. I got to the tanning room and proceeded to start tanning. Well, the guy at the desk set the timer for 20 minutes ... it's been a while since I've tanned (close to 4 years probably) so that was probably not the best idea. I get the i pod all out and in because the music on it is so much better than whatever it was the gym had going. My 20 minutes runs out. I clean off the bed and head towards the locker room ... take another shower and realize that I'm a little bit burned. Now, my face felt burned and I had forgotten that I normally place a hand towel or wash cloth over my face so it doesn't burn but, like I said before, it's been a while. Makeup became my friend today and that's somewhat unusual! I met Joe over at Mardel and looked around at some things for my mom and my kids and then we moseyed over to Hobby Lobby so I could price a couple of things and just really hang out with a good friend. So, after hanging out for a bit Joe left to spend some time with his mom and I went to help Chris get the boys from daycare and such. Not that he needs help but more that I just like to be around my kids and I love when I walk through the door to their respective classrooms and I get this very loud, "MOMMY!!" or Zech walking as fast as he can with his arms up as high as he can get them. It's good for my heart. I finally get home about 530 or 545 and take the time to see just where I'm burned because at this point I'm feeling heat from several places and need to apply aloe. I looked in the mirror and was a little bit shocked at what I saw. Somehow I managed to only tan/burn one side of my back. So I have this red side of my back which is incredibly insane because while I was in the tanning bed I was laying on my back and I'm positive I was in the center of it ... so I don't know how or what happened. But I'm also burned on my rear ... only the one side though! Even so, it makes sitting down for any period of time a challenge. I'm also burned on my chest ... I'm telling you, 20 minutes ... that was the first mistake! And now ... I will wait until sometime next week before I go tanning again and will have to try and tan the other side of my back! by then though, the burns will all be tan, which is the point. The rest of me came out pretty even except for some burns from the length of time and such....

Here's the thing with the burns and why I remembered later that I normally cover my face with something.

When I was ... 15ish I had 2nd and some 3rd degree burns on my face and chest and neck and shoulders and arms. A day out on a boat and not a whole of sunscreen. Anyway. The burns were bad enough that if I just touched my skin lightly it would start peeling off. I had blisters across my forehead and shoulders. It was really bad. My doctor at the time said I'd have to be really careful because anymore burns like that may cause me to need skin grafting. I've been really good about sunscreen and such ever since and then today things completely just slipped my mind. But, I will definitely remember from now on!

That's been my day for the most part. Grocery shopping and dinner and putting the boys to bed finishes it off. I'll probably hang out online some and then take my mom lunch (she's at work for the night) and .... then bed time for me too I think.

ultimatums and depositions ...

2007-05-09T14:33:00.000-07:00

I have something to say here, honest, but I have to go pick up my kids soon so I'm gonna get ready to do that.

***************************************************************************************

Okay. I'm back now and we've had dinner and the boys are in bed so ... I'm good.

Let me start with yesterday. It's kind of a long story but I'll try to make it short so there's not a gazillion lines to read before I'm through here.

Last year, April 8, 2006 to be exact, we were in a car wreck. We were hit by a 17 year old girl. Eventually we ended up hiring an attorney because her insurance company said that they were going to go through the fraud procedures. So, after visits to the ER, and the Orthopedic specialist, and the physical therapy were finished (about mid November) our lawyer received an offer of settlement from the insurance company of the girls who hit us. The settlement was not even enough to fully pay our attorney so we turned it down and instead of offering a counter settlement and trying to haggle back and forth we just did a lawsuit. So, yesterday was the deposition part and then I don't know what happens. I know we're moving towards a trial but I don't know what the next specific step is.

Now, on to today and the "ultimatums" part of the title.

K, many of you know that I put the divorce on hold. Several reasons really. To allow my brother to have 100% of the spotlight for his wedding. To try and get some 'work history' built up so I can get a place of my own instead of trying to live with my parents in Oologah and work in Tulsa. To try and work things out ... sort of. Chris finally agreed to counseling (after a year of me asking and him saying no) and because I need to show that I have put every effort into the marriage to make it work ... okay, the divorce got put on hold.

Chris decided today that counseling won't work if I'm not truly wanting to make things work between us so he asked me what I wanted. My response was, "I don't know" because honestly I'm not sure what I want at this point. I'm tired of flip-flopping and wondering "what if?" but I don't know that I want to stay with Chris. I'm leaning more towards I don't want to. Either way, Chris didn't like the answer I gave him so he made me decide. He said, "you need to decide right now if this is what you want or not". My response was still, "I don't know. Let's wait until after some of the counseling.". To which he replied. "Counseling is only for people who want to make it work. It's not there to make the decision for you (which I agree with) so I need to know what you want. Right now.". So, I said, "I guess I'll start packing up mine and the boys stuff then". So, that's where things are at the moment. I'm going to call my attorney to morrow and tell him that it was a mistake to cancel it and figure out what we need to do to get things going on that front again.

In other news, Zech royally scared me yesterday. Last night rather. I was sitting in the floor of the boys room attempting to put Ethan's Thomas the Train tracks together to make it work like a little town and such. Zech was walking between me and Chris (who was in the living room) when I hear this giant thud followed by blood curdling screams coming from my baby. He had fallen and hit his head straight on a corner of the walls that form the hallway. If that wasn't enough the corner beam that's there is actually steel. So, he has this giant goose-egg on his forehead along with a straight line bruise to match where the corner hit him. Or where he hit the corner I guess. It looks like someone took a blue ink pen and just went back and forth on his forehead to make a dark ink line. It makes my head hurt to look at it. Fortunately, he's fine. No concussion just a pretty bad headache. It probably didn't help that he hit himself in the head with his cup today. Oh well. Boys will be boys.

That's been my week so far. How's yours?

wandering aimlessly

2007-05-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day Chris and I get to go give our depositions. Having never actually done this before, but read about it a lot in various John Grisham novels, I'm a little on the nervous side. I don't know why. I just am. I shouldn't be. It's just getting together with various lawyers and answering questions about the wreck we were in over a year ago. Something we both have done several times. If only the insurance company hadn't been so stingy. The offer they came back with after the wreck wouldn't have even covered the cost of out attorney. So, we sued. Now we're giving depositions and hopefully not going to wind up in a trial .... I guess we'll see how that goes.

In other news, the divorce is on hold. This makes everyone but me happy. It's only on hold because I'm not financially okay enough to be able to take care of the boys. I just signed with an agency and will hopefully have my first job soon but even so, it's not enough.

Here's the thing, I don't hate Chris. I don't even dislike him. I just can't stand him. I know, that makes a lot of sense, right?! I can't stand the though of being intimate with someone who, at will, can go and get what he needs in that area from just about anywhere or anything. He says that he may get the physical aspect that way but he can't get the emotional aspect that way and so it's not really what he needs. AHH! I feel incredibly gross when he touches me.

I don't even know where to go with this whole thing. I was completely devalued as a wife by what he did. however, I'm not completely innocent. I did tell him right after Ethan was born that I wanted out because I don't love him and that I love AJ still. K, even now, when I could potentially consider staying with him it would honestly be because of the kids. I don't love him and at this point I don't even trust him outside of the fact he's good with the boys. However, you can bet that if either of my kids ever mention anything even remotely related to porn and I find out that it's because of Chris .... ooo, don't even get me started on that.

On the whole AJ thing and still being in love with him ... I don't know. I met AJ when I was 15 and honestly from almost the day we met I always thought it would be him and me together. We didn't actually date until I was 20 and that only lasted for 6 months. Probably the best relationship I've ever had if I was to be completely truthful. Once it ended ... I dunno. I kind felt like that was it. I'd had my chance and screwed up somehow. Then I got married and really screwed up. AJ told me at one point that he missed the way we used to hang out and just be together. He also said that we'd only stopped dating but that hadn't meant we were over ... I can't remember if that conversation was before or after I was married though. We've stayed friends ... sort of ... throughout the years. He was the best friend I could have ever wanted growing up and now .... Things are different. Okay. I didn't think they'd stay the same as we grew up and got older and went our own ways and such but I didn't think it would be so hard. Yes, I still care about him and sometimes wonder "what if?" but .... it's over. I should let go, right?

I wouldn't trade anything I've done so far because I wouldn't have my kids if I did. I once made that comment to my mom and she said that I would sill have my kids but that they'd have a different dad. I don't agree with that. My kids are half of Chris and therefore there are traits that they wouldn't have gotten from someone else. So, to go and do it over again would give me different kids. Either way, I've learned a lot from my mistakes and from my past decisions. I know not to do something just because it will be good for everyone else. I also know that I can't be in a relationship with someone I don't trust implicitly and who doesn't trust me the same.

thoughts ....

2007-04-28T15:42:00.001-07:00

I'm really struggling with some decisions I have to make soon in regards to my marriage. Here's the short version of the story.

Everything about the first year of us being together was done in whirlwind fashion. We started dating in July, I was pregnant in August, and we were married by the end of October. I have always been the first one to say, "don't get married because of a baby" yet I turned around and did that very thing. The February after we were married we moved to Arizona and then in April our oldest son was born. Three months later we were back in Oklahoma and getting ready to celebrate our first anniversary.

Right after the birth of our son I went off on him telling him that I don't love him. That I was still in love with my ex. That he was nothing but a rebound relationship and I only married him because I was pregnant. My emotions were out of control and I wasn't really thinking about what I was saying and the few times I did think about what was being said I didn't really care how they affected him.

Well, we celebrated our first anniversary and our second anniversary. Some time in between those 2 anniversary's we' found out that I was pregnant again. Everyone he'd talked to (his mom mainly) told him that I really didn't mean any of what I was saying that I was suffering from post partem depression and that whole thing. To be honest, I did know what I was saying but I agree that I had a little of PPD going but not that it was controlling my words.

We moved to Arizona while I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with Ethan. We went to help some of his friends get a church started. When I went into labor, I was surrounded by some of the nicest people I've ever met but they weren't my friends. My mom wasn't there. I was alone in a crowd. At least that's how I felt. Those feelings continued for a while. being surrounded by people I didn't give myself a chance to know until after we'd moved away. That's when I think I had PPD going on, when I let myself be alone.

During the year between our 2nd and 3rd anniversary's he knocked my feet out from under me with a confession. He had been looking at porn online and getting into cyber-sex, throughout our entire marriage. Even at the point when we didn't have a computer he was looking online through his cell phone. I left that day while he was at work. My dad came over and him and my brother loaded up all of my stuff and the boys stuff. I left a note saying I needed some time. Unfortunately this happened the same day my mom had shoulder surgery and we had family in town so I was only able to stay at my parents once night and was back at the apartment the next day. I know Chris was shocked when he came home to an empty house that night. Literally empty except for his stuff. I found later from his mom that he's had a porn problem since he was about 12 and I was very irate that this wasn't brought up before ... although we did things rather fast so I got over that anger.

I have spent most of this lat year struggling. I don't trust him. Period the end. Not when it comes to me and love and marriage. He is, however, an excellent father. I would never take his kids away unless their spiritual, physical, emotional, or mental well being demanded it. That being said, I know that for the last year I have put off divorce because my kids deserve to have a fully "intact" family. I actually filed for divorce in February and we are fast approaching the date for me to make a final decision.

i decided a while ago that I want my kids to grow up seeing us happy and apart rather than miserable and together. We don't sign papers for the divorce to be final until about the end of May. I need wisdom in making this final decision. I have always been of the mindset and belief that porn is cheating and is adultery and therefore it falls into line with what the Bible says is a reason for divorce. I don't want to stay married to someone I can't trust and I don't want to be married because we have kids. I do care about him but I'm honestly not sure I love him.

"what if...?"

2007-04-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been flipping through the various pages of my life looking back over chapter after chapter. Most of my memories are great. Camping trips with my parents and brother every summer since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Feeding a wild bear cub while our car was being fixed somewhere in Tennessee. Trips to Florida and South Carolina. To the beaches and Disney World. Even once I was in high school and too busy to spend any real time with my family outside of the occasional dinner things were good. Through my first broken heart and my first car wreck.
Through church camp and my first missions trip to Mexico. Through all the band and choir trips and contests. Life was good.

The thing is, I want those kinds of memories for my kids. Happy memories of good times.

When I was 15 I met the guy I knew in my heart I wanted to marry. The guy who, despite everything, I thought it would always be him and me together. No matter what. That didn't happen. I made choices that kept that from becoming a reality. Now, with the way current circumstances are I am again faced with the same decisions ... only this time I'm more aware of what my choices are. What if I work things out with Chris? What if I want to know what I missed out on before Chris? What if I want to pursue other things and eventually other people? What if I stay with Chris to make things work for the boys, will I be suffocating the person I truly am?

Just wanted to say ...

2007-04-13T02:17:00.001-07:00

MEN ARE EXASPERATING!!

My test details!!!

2007-04-12T18:05:00.001-07:00

For those of you who don't know I recently took a major test. It was the state administered test to become a CNA. I was incredibly nervous about it because normally you get to test right after your training finishes but I had 3 1/2 weeks between my testing and my training so I was really stressed out. Turns out though I was stressed over nothing!

In the last 3 weeks I have tried to study and any time I pulled out my notebook I would make it through about 2 pages before I would just have to stop. Either because I was stressing over it or because one of the boys woke up or some other reason. So I didn't actually really study until the night before the test and that night I only got about 3 hours of sleep between studying and the boys waking up and such. Hence the nervous stress stuff that was going on.

There were 2 parts to the test.

1.) The Clinical Test:
I had to have a patient go with me so I made Chris go since it was his day off. This is the part of the test where there is a test monitor sitting there telling me what functions to do on my patient. Before each task I had to wash my hands put on close make sure and tell her the room was made private and greet my 'patient'. Then after each task I had to take off my gloves make the room open again, wash my hands and chart what was just done and then anything that needs immediate attention is reported to the charge nurse. My tasks were partial range of motion, oral care, blood pressure, respirations, pulse, temperature, positioning in the bed from back to side, ambulation with a gait belt, partial bed bath, and I had to show the proper way to wash your hands. The thing about this part of the test is that if you don't pass it with 100% you don't get to move on to the written test. I was very blessed to have a monitor who was superb. She was really nice. She even said that even though I was nervous she could tell that I really knew my stuff.

#2.) The written test
So much easier than I thought it was going to be. There were 80 questions and I had a 2 hour time frame. It was on the computer and it was all multiple choice. I only missed 3 questions and wallked out with a 96% on the written part.

I celebrated by eating lunch and taking a 4 hour nap!! Hahaha!

Prayer

2007-04-11T23:00:00.000-07:00

God,

I know that you have given me the desires of my heart and in doing so a lot of those desires have become reality. I'm so thankful to you everyday that I have such wonderful kids and family and friends and I ask your forgiveness for not telling you this often enough.

Only you can understand the pain that is my heart breaking right now. So many things have happened that I haven't followed you on and I have paid the price for trying to do things on my own but always you meet me where I left with arms open wide.

I'm asking you now to wrap your hands around my heart and protect it from more pain. And I thank you for this.

In Jesus Name ... Amen

Procrastination at it's best ....

2007-04-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

I finished my CNA training way back on March 16th. Due to Spring Break and other scheduling issues I get to take my test tomorrow, April 10th. So, seeing as how it's big deal whether or not I pass this test, you would think that I would have spent hour upon hour over the last 3 weeks studying for this test. Not so. Now, I did actually do some studying and I practiced getting Chris' blood pressure and such but until tonight I don't honestly think I've even once looked into my notes. Here it is, the night before the test, and not only am I not really as prepared as I could be but I'm honestly not stressed about it. I feel as though I know what I need to know and there's no point in trying to study anymore because that is what stresses me. Trying to cram too much more information into an already overloaded brain.

There are 2 parts to my test. The Practical and the Written. I have to have a "patient" for the practical and told Chris several weeks ago that he would have to be my "patient". Tonight I gave him 'the lecture'. Telling him that if he makes me laugh or come across as anything other than professional I will do serious bodily injury to him. He laughed at me then because he didn't realize that I was serious about needing a "patient". As if I would joke about such a thing. I'm okay with the Practical test. the Written test portion scares me a little because I know there are definitions and words that are very similar and easy to confuse .... such as the difference between 'medical asepsis' and 'asepsis'. (It's really the difference in cleaning/sterilizing something in case you wanted to know)

I guess that's it. I'll have more after I pass my test tomorrow. I should also know about starting work sometime tomorrow as well. That's a blog for another time though.

Life ... an update

2007-04-08T20:14:00.000-07:00

So there's this guy ....

Don't you hate when people start out a blog like that? It's like there's a new flavor of the week or something.

Don't worry. I'm not actually going there but, now that I have your attention I am going to try and write a meaningful blog. Try being the operative word. :c)

In working on my relationship with God I'm realizing a lot of things that have been in my heart I just haven't been able to see past all the cobwebs that have formed there. Hopefully, once I get my heart back 100% on track again, things will be even more clear.

I have this driving desire to head West. California or maybe back to Arizona, I'm not fully sure. I have friends in both places and honestly, Cali is quite a bit more appealing because of the ocean and such. For those of you who know me this is probably very shocking to you as I can't stand cities. I'm such a country girl it's not funny. That's one reason I know the desire to move back to Scottsdale or towards the LA area is of God and not just some flight in fancy that sounds cool. God is doing some serious work in my heart towards this and I know he's preparing me for new steps to be taken. I also know that while I'm in preparation for the next step, I am to be completely still and let Him do what He needs to do. I'm learning a lot of things. I'm keeping my mouth shut more and listening more. Although, I admit I still have work to do on that ...quite a lot actually.

I'm starting to stress out about things. More towards what I'm going to need in order to properly care for the boys and myself than anything. I'm so dreading moving in with my parents but I don't have a whole lot of choice. I just hate the drive from their house into Tulsa and since I'm going to be in Tulsa almost everyday it seems like such a waste of gas. However, because I have been a SAHM since I found out I was pregnant with Zech, I have no work history and therefore can't really get into a place of my own. Bill wise it's smart to live with my family. I can save up money and possibly finish my degree while continuing to work and provide for the boys. I'm still undecided on the whole thing. I want to do what's best for all of us and so I'm leaving that direction up to God.

I'm also a little stressed because I have the State test to get my CNA license this week and I feel so under-prepared. I'm a little concerned that Chris is acting as my patient and I will have to lift and tug on him some and so that will be putting extra strain on my body ... he's not a small guy.

Chris. That's a whole other subject. I'm so done with him it's not funny. And it's not like I'm sitting and tossing him away as easily as you would toss an empty pop can or something. We're getting divorced, it should be final in the next couple of months, yet he doesn't want anyone to know. Just yesterday, at church, our Pastor and his wife were told as were a couple of our "close" friends. I hate putting on a facade and that's not really what I'm doing but I guess lying by omission is sort of the same thing. I'm the one who told them. He didn't want me to but when someone asks how you're doing they should hear the truth and not just some small talk response. I'm tired of the requests for sex and for cuddling and all that jazz. he never stops. He is continuously asking for one or all of the aforementioned activities. It's frustrating.

I hate being in limbo. I'm still living with Chris and am unsure of when or where I will be moving yet he already has a roommate lined up for mid-June. So, I feel as if I have no choice but to be out of here by then yet, when I mentioned those feelings to him he laughed at me and said that he wasn't going to kick me and the boys out. but, he continues to talk as though his roommate moving in June is a guaranteed thing and that I have no choice in the matter. Grr!

I am incredibly excited about the opportunities that will be opening up for me and the boys in the future but I am learning not to wish away the present. I can wait for what God has for me because I know that when things happen they will be in God's timing and His time is always so much better than mine. I have a rough idea of things that may happen and that's only the tip of the tip of the iceberg!

Grr!!

2007-03-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

The past is the past. You learn from the mistakes you've made and apply what you've learned to the future so you don't make the same mistakes over and over again. What's so hard about that?

It's not hard necessarily, unless your heart is involved.

For me, my heart is deeply involved because of my kids. How can I face them and say that I don't love their dad? To me, that comes off as me indirectly saying I don't love them which is completely untrue. They are my entire world and because of them I wouldn't change the past ... I just know what not to do in the future.

It's not like they are going to grow up without a dad. Chris has promised to always be involved in their lives and that is a promise I will hold him to forever. The boys love him so much.

We're going 2 completely different directions which is the main point for the divorce. Plus, we've hurt each other a lot in the things we've said or done or insinuated ... it's just time for it to end. Maybe start over with a clean slate in a few years ... do things right for a change or just maybe go on with life, on our own separate paths.

He keeps asking for sex and such and every time he does I ask him if he wants to cancel the divorce proceedings and he says no. So every time he asks for sex and such I say no. Then he asks if I want to reconsider and try to work on things and I say I'm not sure because isn't that what we've been doing for the last 3 1/2 years? Then he says something about wanting another baby .... AHHH!

So, he gives me 2 choices ... #1) we don't divorce but legally separate for 1 year and in that time date each other and see a marriage counselor ... #2) we divorce and go on with our lives and see what happens later down the road .....

Either way, we end up apart so what's the point in even make a decision from those choices? My vote, as of right now, is that we go ahead with the divorce. In all honesty, our marriage is really nothing more than a piece of paper anymore ... that's coming from both of us.

The most important thing is to make sure the boys know how much they are loved and that none of this is their fault.

Choices

2007-03-24T15:20:00.000-07:00

I've decided to deal with this once and for all. To 100% let go of the past ... mainly AJ. There is still a piece of me that wants to be friends but that's more the type of person I am not so much that it's him.

I'm over him. Completely done. How do you sit there and look at someone who used to be your best friend and just turn your head? I can't do that. I don't want to have someone in my life who is so easily turned.

I made a decision at the beginning of the year to be closer to God and to make better choices based on God's plan for me and my boys and I can't do that if I am still undecided on the whole AJ front so as of right now I am choosing to be done with him because my heart can't handle the pain that I associate with him.

I would love for things to go back to the way they used to be ... when we were friends and were always hanging out and such but that's wishful thinking and I know it. I just have to learn to tell my heart that it's over and to move on.

Matt's Wedding ....

2007-03-16T20:56:00.000-07:00

It was gorgeous!
Matt was looking good.
Heather was beautiful.
AJ was just flat out hot .... Rich wasn't too bad either
Alli was gorgeous as always and she sang amazingly ...

I have pics but they turned out really dark so I'll have to work with them but Matt said that when they get back from Puerto Rico that he'd email me either pics or a link to them I'm not sure which. I'll send you the info I get so you can see it too.

I posted a new blog/poem thingy on my myspace page ... all about AJ again.

AJ made the wedding hard for me. Seeing him again for only like the 2 time face to face in about 4 years .... I haven't hung out with him much since I got married. Understandably. Trying to respect my husband and all that jazz. However, tonight was still hard. You would think that after not seeing him for so long that it would have been easier but maybe that just means that I'm not wanting to deal with it.

I don't know what it is about him but there's something there for me that either I need to get rid of or something needs to happen between us. I'm fine until I see him. Tonight was like the last time I saw him at church. I was walking into the church and passed all the groomsmen who were having a little meeting outside the front door. He saw me. He had to have seen me because he was standing facing my direction and I think when he realized who it was walking in is when he turned and started speaking to one of the other guys. It kills me to be in the same room with him when he'll talk to me online but if we're ever face to face in public he won't say "hi", "bye", or even "drop dead".

I think I'm okay until I see him because of the whole 'out of sight, out of mind' adage. I may never know and I should probably just let go of him and I've tried but there's still something there. I guess maybe there always will be. There is that other saying "you never forget your first love" and he was mine.

About Me

2007-03-12T17:16:00.001-07:00

I am the mother of 2 beautiful boys ... my oldest will be 3 in April and my youngest will be 1 in February. I recently started my own business with Arbonne International and I attend classes full time. But "Who am I?" This is a question everyone asks themselves at one point or another through out this journey called life. But, wouldn't a better question be, "what kind of person do I want to be?" and then strive to actually reach that goal, to be that ideal person? Honestly, the question of who I am is completely loaded, with many different answers. Anything from my vitals (name, rank, and serial number) to 'Mom of Ethan and Zechariah' or 'soon to be ex-wife of Chris' or numerous answers that apply but don't come close to touching the topic of who I am as a person. However, by asking myself what kind of person I truly want to be I have to have a general direction for my answer to flow towards. So, what kind of person do I want to be?

I want to be someone who is honest and loyal; to myself, to my family, to my friends, and most importantly, to my God. In general, I want to be someone who is encouraging and not discouraging. Someone other people can see God through and in. I want people to be able to look at me and just know that I am a child of God, the righteousness of God in Christ, His masterpiece. I want to show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22) to everyone I meet. I want those qualities to show forth in every and all situations.

Spiritually, I want to be the person I was several years ago, before I tried to do everything on my own. I want to have that deepened relationship with my Heavenly Father that I lost so long ago. I want to know, deep down, what it means to be loved unconditionally by someone who paid the ultimate sacrifice and to know that I am worth every bit of it.

Physically, I want to be where I was before having knee surgery and 2 kids. I want to get back into volleyball, ice skating, swimming, roller blading, and horseback riding. Most especially, I want to be able to run and play with my kids without getting completely and utterly worn out just by watching them. I want to have the endless amounts of energy that stream from my two year old. This is something I've started to work on by getting a gym membership.

In my kids, I want to instill the same morals that my parents taught me and my brother as we were growing up. Teach them right from wrong and what it means to show respect. Not to do something because it's expected but to know why they are doing what they are doing. I want them to know the meaning of family and what it means to take care of each other. I want people to see God not only in me but in my kids and how they are being raised. I want my kids to glow with God's grace and mercy and for people to question why. Because of God in their lives.

As a wife, I want to be what Proverbs 31:10-31 (NIV) via www.Bible.com says: A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. Despite everything I want, I want most importantly to be the person God wants me to be and I will continue to strive and be that person. To be more and more Christ-like.

I'm at fault too

2007-03-03T20:02:00.000-08:00

So.

It takes 2 people to make a marriage work but only 1 to make it fail.

That's what several people keep telling me.

I don't agree.

I think it takes 2 people to make a marriage work but also 2 people or more to make it fail. It only takes 1 person to start the thought process that 'hey, maybe things aren't so hunky-dory' and unless that's stopped right then and there a downward spiral progresses until it's just a freefall and can no longer be stopped.

That's what happened in my marriage.

I started it. I admit it. I'm at fault too. I tried to tell him that I didn't love him enough to be married but it fell on deaf ears so ... we got married. I was 3 1/2 months pregnant when that happened. At 7 months pregnant he decided we should move to Arizona with a group of his friends who were moving to start a church. So, we moved. A month after the baby was born, I just flat out told him that I didn't love him. I loved someone else.

That supposedly caused him to get back into pornography, something he'd had a problem with since he was 12 but somehow that information didn't make it out until 2 1/2 years into our marriage. So anytime we had a fight or I told him that I didn't love him, he was looking at websites ... get this ... on his cell phone since we didn't have a computer at the time.

I was wrong to go about things that way but the truth is that I really believed myself to be in love with my ex ... someone I had loved for several years before that chance went away. Sometimes I still wonder if there's anything there between me and my ex but we are nothing more than passing friends ... the kind who still talk on occasion to make sure the other is still alive and that sort of thing. I still care about him and sometimes I get a pit in my stomach when I here from a mutual friend or two that he's been on a date or has a girlfriend but I'm over him.

So, I'm at fault too. I was wrong to let my husband go on believing that everything was a-ok when it truly wasn't. I was wrong to marry a man I didn't love with my whole heart. It was more I lusted him with my whole body.

BUT ... if I had it to do over again I would still do it. Because without having done things this way I wouldn't have BOTH of my little boys who are my world.

So while things are not working out between my husband and me I would have still done it, even knowing the outcome, for my kids.

Roots ....

2007-03-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

How deep are my roots?

This is the question I've been asking myself lately. It all started when I began reading a book called "How to be a Woman After God's own Heart". It's a good book and I haven't finished yet (if you know me that is fairly odd). It's full of good stuff and not just things I can read without giving some serious thought to.

Like the whole roots thing. Is my faith strong enough to withstand even the worst storm? Are my roots deep enough that I will not be pulled out of my foundation and sucked into the storm? If not, how can I get them stronger and deeper? I know what I've always said I believe and I truly believe it but when was the last time I followed my advice to someone else and just totally 100% gave something, or someone, up to God to deal with instead of trying to do it all on my own.

I think this subject needs more thought. There will definitely be more posts on this.

Why can't we all just get along?!?!?!

2007-02-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

Why can't I have a normal divorce? Why does everyone insist on blowing up at the stupidest things? And it's not me and Chris who are doing the fighting ... it's our parents. Or rather, our moms!

So, I followed my attorney's advice and went for sole custody. Things blew up at that and I really feel like I may have started World War 3. His family says he won't sign anything until it's changed and there will be a long drawn out fight over the kids until we can agree on something but the only thing they'll agree on is joint-custody.

So, I talked to my attorney's assistant. I asked about joint-custody. I asked about restricting it. That's doable. I changed it to joint custody but I have the final say on decisions because that's fair. The boys will be living with me and it's only right that the 5 out of 7 days they're with me that I have the final say in what goes. On the days he has them he doesn't need my permission to do things within reason. Take them to the Zoo or to a park or whatever. Just spend the day playing. But, he can't just go dump them on his parents without my permission or leave the state without my written permission. That's fair. since he will only see them 1 or 2 days a week anyway. And any movies or video games that they play have to be approved by me too. I don't them around while he's playing World of Warcraft or even has the trading cards out. I don't want my kids having nightmares because of the evil images those things portray.

In all of this I'm trying to be fair. I'm trying to give a little without stepping over lines I don't want to cross. I think I may end up going back to sole custody and just fighting about it. I'd rather not put my kids through the heart-ache that may cause though. I have some more praying to do and some more questions for my attorney.

I really hate that this is what it's coming to. What girl dreams of growing up and getting married only to have it end in divorce? I sure didn't.

Passion of the Christ

2007-02-26T10:26:00.000-08:00

Bitterness is something that, if you don't nip it really quick, can destroy you. Kind of like anger and guilt and lying and cheating anything else you can think of to go here. With the current holiday, I will admit that I've been incredibly bitter. However, I made a few decisions.

I decided that I would let Jesus be my valentine and quit moping over my current personal situations. After all, isn't Valentine's Day a day to celebrate love? Why not celebrate the greatest love of all? I watched 'The Passion of the Christ' last night. This was the first time I have watched it and will watch it again. Talk about love.

I never watched this movie before because I was pregnant when it came out and because of all the morning sickness and stuff, it was decided I probably shouldn't watch it just yet. I put it off even longer because I wasn't sure I could handle it. It takes my nice, neat, and clean idea of the crucifixion and makes it real. It's really one thing to read about it and another to see just how brutal of a death someone went through because He loves me that much. And not just me, he loves you too.

It's painful and heartbreaking to realize just what happened and when I realized, fully realized, that I was part of that reason He went through that torture, I broke.

It's an amazing movie and gets right to the heart ...

A few things I've learned ...

2007-02-26T09:57:00.000-08:00

Throughout my whole 26 years, I've learned a lot about what not to do in life. Things like, don't kick your brother in the shin with steeled toed shoes or don't put a kitten in the dryer. No matter how funny it is to watch the kitten walk afterwards it's probably not funny to the kitten. Recently, I've learned a lot from my kids.

They give the best hugs. Anytime my oldest son sees me crying, he'll come up to me, put my head in his hands, say, "it's okay Mommy" and then give me a bear hug.

Somehow, their logic makes sense. Like when he calls a heart a triangle and insists on it being a triangle. I can actually see where he's getting that.

It's the little things that are important. Like teaching my oldest son to jump like a frog and not care how foolish I may look because he's learning something valuable. Seriously. jumping like a frog or walking like a crab help develop the large motor skills needed to function in life.

I'm also learning that life is RIGHT NOW. Not in 6 months or a year from now but NOW. I'm learning to enjoy any and every moment I have with my children and just my family in general. My brother is getting married this summer and I'm getting to know my soon to be sister-in-law and she's a brilliant person. I'm also getting to know myself again since I seem to have lost that somewhere along the last few years.

This is a time of transition for all of us. Might as well make it as enjoyable as possible.

And it begins ....

2007-02-26T09:45:00.000-08:00

I started a war this week.

I filed the petition for divorce. I am tired of him saying he's going to do it and then doing nothing about it. We finally mutually agreed to divorce on Thanksgiving Day and Chris had said then that he would file the papers the following week. Well, with the holidays and such he moved the date he would file by to Valentine's Day. Well, Valentine's Day came and and went and no papers were filed. Supposedly because I'm not fully on my feet financially yet. Well, I'm tired of being stuck in limbo and tired of hearing the whole we're "going" to filel for divorce when if he'd stuck to his guns we'd already be divorced. So, I hired a lawyer this week and signed the petition for divorce on Friday. I think there are actually 2 factors as to why everyone on his side is mad at me.

#1.) That I'm the one who did it instead of him. He had been advised before that he should be the one to file that way there's no question of abandonment or something like that but that was 6 months or more ago.

#2.) I'm going for sole custody. Not because I'm trying to sever his parental rights or anything like that but because if the boys are going to live with me and I'm the one going to be fully responsible for them anyway then I want sole descretion in making the choices that affect them. Such as what school/day care they go to or which religion I want them raised believing in. Those kinds of things. I wouldn't keep him in the dark about those things anyway but I think it's only right. And he'd still get to see them as much as he wants.

So, there's going to be a fight. In fact, I think it's already started between my mom and his. My mom got a "do you know what your daighter did?" type email from his mom today and it's not in the nicest tone.

That being said, for those of you who read this and pray, please pray that things go as smoothly as possible. I really don't want a huge mess over my kids.

Beginning Again

2007-02-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

I am part of the myspace generation. That being said most of the blogs I've written in the last year or more can be found on my myspace page. www.myspace.com/memoriesbyjenn if you are interested in reading those. I'm not leaving myspace. I enjoy being in contact with so many people I thought were gone from my life but who are now back and making huge impacts in my world. I just need a place to blog where it's somewhat private. I could go into myspace and change my privacy settings so no one could read what I've written but what's the fun in that? I enjoy when people comment on my posts but I'm going through a lot of transitions now and want to 'broaden my horizons' so to speak. All that to say, I'm going to try blogging on this one, yet again.

Please be patient with me as my blogs will probably run the gamut of emotions in the next few months.